So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about a few things for a while, and I decided that blogging about my musings might enlighten the rest of you who read my posts. Now, those of you that DO read, please do NOT quote me on any of this, because my opinions are most likely going to change as I grow older and wiser.

So here are my topics: 1. First kisses, 2. Trichotillomania (don't worry, I'll define it), and 3. Sexuality.

1. First kisses

So first kisses, from a girl's point of view, are supposed to be the most romantic, like how actors do it in romance movies. In a generalized fashion, I'd say girls would want their guy to look them in the eyes, push a strand of their hair out of their face, and slowly bring their faces together, with a kiss that starts out softly and maybe progresses into something like making out. This is what I perceive to be the general dream that girls have.

Unfortunately for most girls, that dream dies when they have their first kiss. It's nothing like they pictured it to be -- in fact it's much worse to them. Their first kiss is awkward, strange, and confusing. Awkward because the guy (if it's his first too) doesn't know what he's doing, strange because they don't kiss like the girl sees the actor do, and confusing because they don't know how they feel about it afterward.

Sorry to burst your bubbles, girls, but your first kiss will ALWAYS be awkward. It will be nothing like the movies you've seen. But you know what? BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! Sure it's awkward and weird and everything the day it happens, but when you get older and look back on it you'll be able to just laugh about it. I laugh about mine whenever I think about it.

My first kiss was a wet one and even though I felt grossed out back then I just laugh now. My first kiss with Doran was awkward because I made it awkward, and even though I regret saying the things I did right before the kiss, I still loved it. When I play the memory in my head, trying to think of how it could have gone differently, I draw a blank. My and Doran's first kiss together was a perfect representation of our personalities and I will never forget it.

So next time you think about your first kiss, whether you're a boy, girl, or haven't had one yet, just remember that it will most likely be awkward, strange, and confusing BUT later on you might find you'll be glad it happened the way it did.


2. Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania (trich) is defined as "hair loss from a patient's repetitive self-pulling of hair" and is characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair, sometimes resulting in noticeable bald patches (from Wikipedia web result).

Now you're probably wondering why I have this as one of my topics today. Well, I'm writing about it because I have it. I've had trich since I was in fourth grade, and I remember the day I got it. I was walking with my classmates back to our room and I found an eyelash on her cheek. She put it on her finger for a second, closed her eyes, and then blew it away. When I asked her what she did, she said that if an eyelash fell out you could make a wish and blow it away and it would come true. It was then that I started pulling at my eyelashes, despite her attempts to tell me that it only worked if they fell out on their own.

I always thought I was alone with this problem. Until this past weekend, when I finally decided to search it up on Google. Then I discovered that what I did actually had a name, and that there were thousands of other people who had the same problem. I felt a huge relief when I found out.

I have always hated having trich. I pull out my eyelashes and my eyebrows and I've never been able to completely stop myself. I usually do it more when I'm stressed or anxious. I guess I've kept doing it not just out of habit, but because I already hate my appearance. I know my friends would disagree with me and tell me they've never even noticed that I have/do it. But I know they do. In fact, just last weekend when Daniel went over to Doran's house to get help on math, I was pulling at my eyebrows, and Doran's sister, Aubeni, saw me. She said something about it too, totally nonchalant and in no attack against me, but the fact that she noticed really hit me.

And yet I STILL can't stop myself. I absolutely hate it, which makes me do it more, and it's just an endless cycle. But I needed to tell people about it, to get it out there, in a vain attempt to help myself.


3. Sexuality

Now this one I'm not entirely sure how to go about. I was thinking about first kisses on the way home, and it made me think of sexuality. I've been back and forth on this for a long time, since the whole debate about whether or not being straight/lesbian/gay/bisexual is a choice. I'm not going to go into it, but I feel like maybe it could be.

So I started thinking about my own sexuality, and I wonder if all of the things I do at school (which my friends know about and which I will not repeat here) mean I'm bisexual but I don't know it yet. A lot of you will scoff at me or think I'm being retarded, but I'm trying to be serious. But I definitely need to think more deeply on it before I say anything. I'm just wondering if it's a possibility at this point.

I'm also curious, if I DID discover I was bisexual, what Doran would think about it. I wonder what he would say or how he would feel. *shrug* Just a thought.

Anyways, that's the end of my musings. Post your thoughts on any or all of the three sections. Toodles.