Stress stress and more stress

God, I don't even remember the last time I came on here. It's been a while, and I don't remember half of what's happened this week.

To put it concisely, I've been stressed.

AP homework, combined with dance, friends, the looming due date of senior projects have all pretty much been weighing me down since this the beginning of this week. Monday I had dance, Tuesday I had a basketball game to perform at, Wednesday I hung out with Daniel and Danielle then later had dance practice again, and today I had another basketball game to perform at. Also, I've had homework all week and a Calc test yesterday.

I'm honestly surprised I haven't gone insane yet. I'm just barely making it through the day, coming home exhausted but having to stay up late doing homework. Yesterday, right after I came home, I started my homework, helped my dad with my nephews, went to dance, came home, and finished homework. By the time I went to sleep it was a little after 1:30 in the morning. Then I had to get up early today to get ready for the rallies at school. And I had a full day.

I am so tired.

But I don't get to sleep just yet. I have to do SOMETHING on my senior project. I keep procrastinating and making up excuses that I have no time. I have time today and I'm going to start that stupid five page essay. I really hate senior projects -- yes, they provide a lot of opportunites and experiences, but there's way too much stress involved. If they lessened the requirements it wouldn't be so bad. But there's a LOT that we have to do.

Anyway, I mainly wanted to get a couple things off my chest.

I don't think I can go another day without talking to Doran for at least an hour with neither of us doing any kind of work. Honestly, both of us have been so busy doing our own things and living our own lives that we barely have any time to spend with each other. It really hurts when one of us has nothing to do and the other just has a crapload of work. Like today, for instance. Doran pulled an all nighter last night just to get his book review done (and whatever else he needed), and right now he's studying for his AP Art History test, then afterward will most likely go straight to bed. I have no work that's immediately due tomorrow so I could honestly just relax for a bit, but though I really really really want to spend time with him I can't.

I have said this to many people many times, but no matter how much I say it it doesn't change a thing. I hate it with every fiber of my being.

I know Doran knows this. I know he doesn't like it either. But that doesn't change things either. My friends try to help; they tell me that I should just go to sleep early and not worry about it. I can't help but worry about it! I have to show him that I still love him and care for him -- it's like a need, a necessary part of my life -- but I don't know how I can do that without bothering him when he has things to do. I'm trying to be supportive but I can only go so far. I'm so frustrated and hurt and depressed...

I don't know what to do. I can't function anymore because my thoughts are consumed by him. I have love for him that I need to give, but so much of it is spent on friends because I can't give it to him. There's no time to talk to him. I can't just stop him from what he's doing, because that'll waste time and make him go to sleep later and get all grumpy later. And even though all of this is making me sad, I have to refrain from leaning on him so I won't stress him out, which makes me lean on others and get close to them... I'm kind of afraid that we're growing distant, but at the same time I know that we're not.

I don't know what to do anymore.