Fears, Faith, and the Unknown.

I've been thinking too much lately. About college, AP credits, how I'm going to handle my and Doran's relationship... I think that all this thinking is preventing me from getting better. I caught the stomach flu from my nephew on Wednesday when my mom and I were taking care of him, and I haven't gotten any better. I can't keep food down so I haven't eaten much. It sucks, really.

All of this thinking isn't doing me well either. But it's difficult to stop when I have nothing to distract me. I want friends over but I know my mother won't let me. I don't want to get anyone else sick either. And Doran is gone in SoCal to do his orientation at Pomona so he and I haven't been able to talk much today. He's going to be there until Saturday too. *sigh*

I know I shouldn't complain. But I need to get my thoughts down somewhere or I'll go insane. So I guess I'll just start ranting.. Think of it as a stream of consciousness.

I honestly don't think I'm ready for college. I mean, all of my life I have been so sure of the things around me. I know that a lot of it has changed over the years, but nothing as drastic as this. I feel kind of stupid though, because the college I'm going to is only a twenty minute drive from my house and I will have friends there that I know very well, but I'm still very afraid. The obvious fear for me is that Doran will be so far away and I have no idea what will happen.

He doesn't want me to worry but I really can't help it. We want to be together -- that much I know. So shouldn't it be easy from there? One would think so. But I always make things much more complicated than they should be, so our situation is kind of blown up in my head. He runs on faith while I seem to have none. I can't help that either though. I'm just so scared that if I completely put my soul into this that he'll fall in love with someone else and pull the carpet from under my feet. And it's a stupid fear too -- I totally get that. It's stupid to think that that would happen because it's almost been four years and it hasn't happened yet. Yet. How stupid am I? I'm like, making this all happen with my ignorance and stupidity.

Can't I see that he loves me? Can't I trust that he won't just drop me in a second? I hate myself for not being able to have faith in us. I hate myself for not being able to convince myself that nothing will happen and that we'll always be together. I mean, we talked about it Saturday and I told him that as long as I knew he was sure on us being together in the future that I would make it happen. Why can't I just leave it at that? Why must I continue to worry?

All my life I have worried myself over the unpredictable. Sure I made certain things happen when I wanted them to. But after that it's always just been a free ride. I went with the flow I guess. But somewhere along the line I lost that. I lost the ability to just trust someone with all my heart and enjoy the ride. Somehow I ended up seeing only the bad sides of situations, unable to open myself to the good that existed with what I had. The more that college looms over my head like a dark cloud (as I perceive it) the more I seem to lean toward a pessimistic side of me.

Somewhere along the line of my life I went from optimist to pessimist. Suddenly I could only see the glass half empty. And I ponder over the future way too much. I know this but I can't stop myself. Or, at least, I don't know how to stop myself. I think the reason for this is that I find a lot more assurance on my life when I hear the confidence that others have in me. When someone else tells me that I will make it, that I will survive these obstacles, I feel more okay with the world. Later on that goes away, of course, since my way of thinking doesn't agree with that.

And why is that? Why do I always have to look down on myself? I feel like I am so undeserving of praise, so pathetic to myself that I must be to other human beings. Obviously I don't like myself, which isn't exactly the best way to think. I don't think I'm strong, or intelligent, or witty, or funny, or fun to be around, or talented. I'm very critical of myself and though there are times when I am proud of myself they are very rare. The last time I can remember being proud of myself was when I made that lei for Doran, and the time before that was that solo I did for Doran at Becca's solo and ensemble concert.

I wonder... Does my only satisfaction of myself come from when I do something for Doran? Is it possible that I can only like myself if I give him my all? And if so, shouldn't I do it just to benefit us? What a strange possibility, if it's true. All the times I have been okay with myself have been in situations involving him. I mean, the only other time I remember being proud was when I wrote an assignment on Scarlet Letter for Mr. Coursey. And that was a very long time ago.

Anyway, apparently it seems that I am incapable of feeling good about myself for myself. I think that's partly because there are very few incidences when I feel as if I should be comfortable with myself. For example, I'm slowly learning that if I find clothing that fits me I'll look good in them. Other than that though, I haven't been learning much else.

So what's the real reason for my inability to have faith in my and Doran's relationship? Well, after this spiel I think it's because I don't have faith in myself. And you know, I think I've known this all along, but I've been unable to admit it to myself or to him. It sucks because he deserves to know.

All this unpredictability is really difficult to handle. I like things that are set in stone, that I can depend on. Some things I'm more sure of than others. Like I know that Danielle, Daniel, and I will still be the best of friends. I know that my parents will be there for me.

But with everything else there is always the "what if?" question. I know it upsets Doran that I worry so much about the "what if?" stuff. I don't know how to help it. Well, actually, I think I do. I think that once I can start having faith in myself and my abilities, and stop measuring myself against others, then everything else will just fall into place.

Because honestly, I have to have faith in myself to have faith in my and Doran's relationship. From there I can have faith in our future. College will be easier to handle, the distance between us easier to address. I'll be able to have fun while still getting things done. I'll be able to focus better on improving myself.

I can't do it by myself though. Or, rather, I can. I need to say that more. I need to tell myself that I CAN do things instead of not. I can make it through college while still staying with Doran. I will always be there to remind him that though I may be far away from him my heart is always his.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.