I feel like crap. I'm exhausted, tired, and my brain is slowly shutting down, like an old apple computer. I'm going to pretend it's still April 19th for the sake of this post.
I've pretty much felt like crap all day. It started last night, after Doran went to bed. The stuff we talked about really got me thinking, and though I'm not going to repeat everything we said, I will say that I pretty much felt dejected.
Now none of this is his fault -- I take the blame because I overreact often to little things he says. But sometimes what he tells me really gets me thinking.
Our conversation was mainly about what we do when we're together, and I realized that I'm really repetitive. I don't feel like I'm spontaneous like I used to be, though Doran tells me that I'm the most spontaneous person he knows. I feel like I'm just doing the same old thing over and over again, with nothing new to spice things up. He tells me that's not true, but I can't help but feel it now.
The real problem with this is that these feelings are just festering inside me and I'm making it worse than it ought to be. It's affecting my perception of things that previously wouldn't bother me as much.
Like tonight, when we were talking on Skype. All Doran wanted was to go to bed after he had finished homework (and it was after midnight by then) and I instantly started thinking about what we talked about last night. The way he said he just wanted sleep made me think that he's... well, that he's bored of me. What he told me last night had the same tone too.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I hate myself for thinking these things, and for taking things further than they need to be. And though he repeatedly tells me that what I'm thinking isn't true, I can't get over it. I guess you could say I don't believe him, which is partially true, but I also know that it's my own faulty way of looking at things.
See, this is what happens when I'm allowed to think for long periods of time -- I start to fester on every little detail, and I make myself believe it's a fault on my part. And even though I know this I still can't help but do it.
God, I'm not even making sense anymore. It's so freaking late too and I didn't even finish Leslie's notes. >.<
I hope you're somehow getting the gist of what I'm trying to say. And if not, basically I feel like Doran is bored of me -- to what extent, I don't know.
I guess I'm just being dumb again... I'm going to bed now.. Toodles.
:( I am sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I really doubt he is bored of you, and you are not a boring person at all. I know how you feel when even when he says it isn't true, you still feel it. But I learned, with Adam at least, he cares too much to lie to me. I know Doran cares A LOT about you- so he wouldn't lie :)
ReplyDeleteI hope that helps...
i completely get the repetetiveness thing and the obsessing over little things. i do the exact same thing. i guess the main thing to remember, in those moments when you actually have control of your thoughts, is that he obviously still loves you, so even if he does get a bit bored every now and then, it doesn't matter. he loves you, and that is worth more that a little boredom.
ReplyDeleteRachelle, the time that we do get to spend together is amazing. We get so little of it that repetitiveness doesn't even enter into the equation.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for me telling you I just wanted to go to sleep, please don't read too far into that. I would love to stay up with you each and every night, but I know that if I did that, I would be freakin' miserable (which would probably not be pleasant for either of us) because I need my sleep.
When I say I really just need to sleep, that's all I mean. The reason I have such trouble saying goodbye is because I don't ever truly want to. But if I never did, I'd never sleep. You see what I'm getting at here?
And as for what Kelly Rose said in her previous comment, she was right.
I don't need you to think of some new amazing thing every time we hang out together. I love you, and I am perfectly happy just BEING with you.