Ode to Little Drops of Water

Ode to Little Drops of Water

O, little drops of water

Upon a bright green leaf,

Why do you judge a cautioned thought

Or unsettle a moment's relief?

You promised me an honest love

And a little TLC,

But all I met were false pretenses

And a chronic habit to deceive.

O, little drops of water

Upon a bright green leaf,

Why did you lie and send me hate,

And cause me so much grief?

I realized your promises

Were too bold for you to bear,

So I leave you now in all good haste

Without a moment to spare.

O, little drops of water

Upon a bright green leaf,

Before you judge a cautioned thought,

Please read this ode so brief.

My first LAN party.

I think this might be the first LAN party I've ever been to where I was actually somewhat involved. A group of my nerdiest friends came to Patrick's house to play WoW together. Daniel was having issues getting on so I went home and downloaded the game onto my computer, which took about two and a half hours. It was such a long wait, especially since I wanted to be back with friends. But once I was finished (after 1 in the morning) I immediately returned and handed over my beloved laptop to my friend in the hopes that he could get a better connection with it.

Unfortunately, there were so many people on Patrick's internet connection that he wasn't able to connect. Even now, as I type this, I'm on an unsecured network named "default". It's kind of crappy, but at least I have internet. But it's not enough to play WoW, since it takes up a lot of internet and this one doesn't have much.

So far, throughout this night, I've learned WoW terminology and even ran around on Patrick's character. But mostly I've been watching and talking to people. As the night goes on we start to lose our ability to hold sensible conversations. At around three or so, Greg mentioned something about going down to a place called "Booty Bay," to which I raised my eyebrow curiously, and it wasn't until I said something that he finally realized what he said. I'm not saying it's not an actual place, but the fact that it took him a while to understand what he said, and then to see him laugh until his face turned red, was quite hilarious.

Wren and James just recently returned from taking Adam home. I knew that Wren left and so I said hi to her, but I hadn't realized James went with her until he spoke. He wants me to start role playing with him again. I know I already role play a lot now, but I don't want to get into something long term and intense. Like, the role plays I'm in right now are only Harry Potter related and aren't very intense so it's pretty easy for me to write something.

Daniel is acting very fidgety since he has nothing to do but watch everyone else play. I feel kind of bad for him because he really wanted to play WoW with everyone, but no computer he tries to play on seems to let him. The internet is being really stupid. Our friends called it the "Daniel curse," which I don't think is a very good term for it. I can't really help out though, because even though my computer is connected to an internet, I can't connect to Patrick's internet. Still too many people even though a few of them aren't connected to it.

Doran went to sleep about twenty minutes ago, but I'm really worried about him. He told me he was feeling off and he watched this really strange Pink Floyd video having something to do with being numb... It was really strange and made me concerned for his mental health. But he told me he was okay and that all he needed was sleep. I'm still worried though.

Anyway, now I'm left at my own little table, typing this up and listening to friends talk about their WoW ventures while Daniel walks around aimlessly. I'm really tired but I don't want to sleep yet. I'm kind of sad, actually.

But I guess I'm finished with this blog now. Toodles.

Parties

So I'm sitting on Daniel's bed with a a bunch of other friends just kind of talking and having fun and whatnot. Nothing too serious, just teenagers doing what they do best -- f*** around. hahaha

Earlier was by far the weirdest part of this party. For some reason, Emily and Joel decided to switch clothing, and then everyone decided to do it to see if they could be each other. It was crazy. The whole thing started out as just us being silly, but then escalated into nothing short of epic. Becca, by far, was fantastic at being Daniel, while Rosie pretended to be me as she wore my dance jacket. She kept hugging Doran and he had this really uncomfortable look on his face that made me laugh hysterically. So effing hilarious.

Matt put on Kelly Rose's tank top, which was much too small, and rolled up his pant legs so that it looked like he was wearing short shorts. He is SO freakin' weird. Jon ended up in Doran's shirt, and he tried to imitate his deep voice but failed epically because he's a tenor and can't do bass. Karen was Megan, but apparently wasn't punching people enough. Megan was Jon, but had trouble making up witty/offensive remarks. Kelly Rose was Becca, and the actual Becca thought that she was doing a fairly good job. I was Paulie, but unfortunately I couldn't really play him as well because Matt was acting so incredibly retarded that I couldn't stop laughing.

As you can see, my friends and I are a very strange group of individuals. But at least the fun we have is better than going out and getting drunk with a bunch of strangers. Besides, we can remember what happened at these little events and parties and that's what makes them SO FREAKING AWESOME.

I mean, usually at the parties I go to, we stay up really late talking, playing videogames/board games/card games, reminiscing, just hanging out, etc. We can even spend time together while all or most of us are on computers. Like I am right now. Even as I type this, I'm half-listening to Doran's sister Aubeni retell a story about a magical talking snake to Doran who is apparently trying to marry a human girl which I'm completely NOT understanding. She says it was originally Becca's story.

Still not following. Haha.

Anyway, I think Doran is slowly losing his mind. You know, I wanted to write a blog with him because I thought it would be fun but I think that if we even tried it would end up being something totally crazy and no one would understand it.

Also, I think I'm going to stop writing this blog now since it's just... yeah.

Toodles.

Memories and Doran's writing style

I find that whenever I am bored with absolutely nothing to do but watch reruns of my favorite shows, I will go through old documents that I've written or have been written for me, just for old time's sake. It's endearing, really, to look back on fond memories, even when they're not in the form of written words. I like to remember the good ol' days, when life was fairly simple.

My favorite thing to do, though, is to read old documents Doran has sent me. My favorites are the one he sent me for my birthday, a "Who Am I?" essay he wrote for English one year, and a story he wrote about Halloween. Oh, and the other is a poem he wrote for our anniversary one year.

I have many reasons for liking these particular documents. One, all of them were for me or mentioned me (I'm so vain/selfish); two, he is a very good writer and he's really creative; and three, they were written by him. I love reading things he's written because he writes with a comedic twist, even when he's being serious. I can really picture what he writes. It's awesome.

I also love these documents because they're deep. Though he can write with hilarity, there's still the underlying emotion. Like the letter he wrote for me for my birthday -- some parts are quite funny, but it's so filled with love and care that I may only chuckle softly while reading. Or the poem he wrote for me: the first stanza of that basically says that his first impression of me was that I was deranged, but it's still filled with love too.

Haha I love how I started this out with looking back on fond memories and then it turned into how much I love the way Doran writes. Ah well, both are subjects I like to think about.

Now if only he would write more for me...

Death and Reincarnation

So I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and one of them was death. Not in the bad way or anything. I was just wondering what actually happens to a being's spirit once their body has finally given up.

First though, I want to think about that last dying moment. Right before you take your last breath, when your family is around you with tears in their eyes. I mean, what would you say to them? If you're in any situation, really, about to die; what do you say before you "leave this world"? I've honestly contemplated what I would say over a thousand times, but I've never fully set my mind on one thing. However, I have decided that no matter what happens, one of the last things I will say before I die will be "I love you, Doran."

What would you say, reader? Though it's not a very happy prospect you should think about it sometime. You don't want to waste your last moment saying something strange like, "cabbages!" or something. Then your family would be left trying to solve the mystery of that word.

Actually, that sounds kind of fun. Say something completely unrelated to anything just for the hell of it, and leave your family wondering. However, they might think you went insane just before you died. But I guess that's all part of the mystery!

Anyway, back to what I really wanted to talk about.

So I was thinking about what happens after death the other day, just kind of randomly since what I was doing wasn't related. (I was finding some food to eat in my house.) Now, some people believe that our spirits go to heaven where they find our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Others believe we meet up with God. Some spirits get lost in our world, unable to cross to the other side because of unfinished business.

Personally, I'd rather believe in reincarnation. Reincarnation basically means that after you die, you get born into something else. That's the gist of it at least. Honestly, though, it sounds a hell of a lot better than some of the other beliefs. I mean, I don't want just one life to live! Why should our spirits be bound to one lifetime and experience only a certain set of experiences? Why should we be confined to one perspective of life? I mean, think about it. If we were truly only allowed one life to live by God, the majority of us wouldn't be happy. What if our experience wasn't good? What if we didn't know we were supposed to make the most of what we had?

Reincarnation allows our spirits to experience so many things. When I was thinking about it, I imagined myself coming back to earth as an African child in poverty. How different my life would be from what I have now! I wondered if my spirit would remember this life; if, when I was a small child, I would recall memories of my previous parents. Would my parents then think me possessed? I don't know. Right now I only know the life I'm living.

I've believed in reincarnation almost all of my life. When I was younger, I would imagine thousands of spirits lined up at the pearly gates, waiting not for a meeting with God, but for their next life. I pictured an old soul standing near a podium type thing, assigning spirits to the next baby that would be born. Then those spirits would walk into the clouds and into their next life.

I guess that's a pretty silly way to think about it, but how else would it happen?

Besides, the other beliefs sound too depressing. So we die, go to heaven, and meet God. I know that's supposed to be the most divine thing we ever do, but once you meet God, then what? Do we just wander around heaven with nothing to do? How boring. I'd rather meet God a thousand times over than meet him once and never do anything again.

Or what about the people who believe that souls still wander the Earth? That sounds just as bad as the other one. We wander around, lost, lonely, still with unfinished business to take care of, unable to cross over. That's like living a life with no friends: you're invisible to the world but you still have to wait your turn to finish what you've started.

I think my least favorite is simply believing that there is no afterlife. We simply stop existing. Now that's just plain terrifying! There has to be SOMETHING that happens after we die. I can't imagine lying on my death bed, family around me or whatever, knowing that after this last breath I'm going nowhere. What about the saying, "Death is just the next big adventure"? If I believed there was nothing after death, I'd have nothing to look forward to!

This is why I think reincarnation is the perfect solution. Then death really would be the next big adventure. I wouldn't be confined to the earth, nor stuck wandering heaven. I'd stand in that huge line waiting for my next life and be indecently happy about it.

Just a random thought, but, what if heaven was one giant amusement park? That would be sick.

Oh oh, what if heaven was like that one book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven? Where, after we died, five people from our life would explain to us why we did the things we did and what the repercussions were. That would be very interesting and actually relieving, to tell the truth. If reincarnation didn't happen, I'd be fine with that as an alternative.

So reader, just a few questions to ask yourself (and tell me your opinions if you'd like): What will your last words be? Why would you say that instead of something else? What do you believe will happen to you after you die? Why do you believe that will happen?

I'm curious to hear your responses.

My Journey, Our Lesson

So I got sick last Friday, and I have to say that the journey from then to now has been an interesting one. You would think that being sick would make me sit around and do nothing, and you'd be right.

But you'd also be wrong.

For the last three days I have been watching Avatar: the Last Airbender. Now normally this isn't really anything special to talk about -- but what I learned from watching it is genuine. You'll think me crazy, but once you get past the plot and element bending you can really learn a lot.

As Aang travels from nation to nation, learning the various ways and traditions of bending the elements, he meets a lot of interesting people. Some of them are bad, some good, and some very wise. It is these wise people in the story that you really have to pay attention to. They're the ones that have the best lessons to learn from.

For example, in one episode, Aang meets up with a Guru in the Eastern Air Temple. This Guru teaches him how to open up his "chakra" -- centers of spiritual energy in the human body. He starts at the Root, the area of stability and strength. Then together they work their way up and open all the chakra in Aang's body so he can control the "Avatar State". Anyway, as they do this, the Guru explains each chakra and how to unlock it.

At the Earth (root) chakra, he says it is blocked by fear. He tells Aang to let go of what he's afraid of. Next is Water (sacral) chakra, the area of feelings and sexuality. To open that one up, Aang must let go of all his guilt. Third, the Fire (navel) chakra contains the willpower of a person. To unlock it he must let go of his shame. In the fourth, the Heart chakra (obviously for love), Aang must let go of his grief to open it. The fifth chakra, called the Sound (throat) chakra, deals with truth and for him to open it, he must admit the lies he has placed and accept who he is. Then he moves onto the sixth chakra, the Chakra of Light (third eye chakra). It deals with insight and intuition and is blocked by illusions. The final chakra is called the Thought (crown) chakra. This chakra deals with, you guessed it, thought! It's also concerned with wisdom and understanding the world and yourself. To unlock it, he has to let go of his attachments. In the episode it was supposed to let Aang enter the Avatar state whenever he wished.

Now, you probably read that and are thinking that I'm pretty much retarded for explaining all that. But forget my inserts of weirdness and actually read it. The chakra exist in each of us whether we believe in them or not. If you take what they stand for or what they mean, you can learn to help yourself. Think about it -- take your fears, guilt, shame, grief, lies, illusions, and attachments and let. them. go. Don't you think that if we allowed ourselves to let these things go, the world would be a better place? A place rid of hatred, racism, sexism, prejudice and misunderstanding. A world, a universe, filled with love, acceptance, understanding, friendship and so much more.

Isn't that what America was supposed to be about? Forget the controversy surrounding the Founding Fathers, forget our rocky relationship with Britain, think about what the essence of this country is supposed to be. We are supposed to be the land of the free. But take a good look, everyone.

What do you see?

I see greed, corruption, out-sourcing, hatred, confusion, people losing homes, families forced to break up, hunger rampaging through third world countries, politicians arguing, cultures dying, big businesses controlling the people, human beings dying for a lost cause, war, recession; I see racism, reverse racism, sexism, prejudice, oil leaks, blame, shame, regret, remorse, grief, helplessness, hopelessness, people who are lost, those who have lost everything, homeless, the ones forgotten, the ones left to die... I see a world slowly dying because of all these things.

And yet...

I also see the potential for greatness. I see good people, families holding together despite everything they have been through; I see community, friendship, understanding, acceptance, discipline, restraint, compassion, empathy, open arms, reunions, embraces, hope, those willing to help, the ones who haven't forgotten the ones who believe they are forgotten. I see culture, bonds forming, those reaching out a helping hand, others who help when they can, survival, togetherness, resourcefulness...

But more than that I see life and I see love.

We are not separated from each other as much as we think we are. Even this silly show, that at first glance looks childish, holds a valuable life lesson: "Everyone is part of One People, yet we live as separate people. Even the Separation of the Four Elements is an illusion; four parts of the same whole." We are a whole world. We may be different, but it is these differences, these rifts between us, that also unify us. At the base of everything we are all living things. Made up of the same organisms and the same DNA.

You may not agree with me and that's okay. You may not think that this applies to you, but if you truly think about it, it does.

Think of the person, group, or family that you thought of while reading this. Have you always been kind to them, even as a young child? But more than that -- will you, reader, forgive yourself, not for your sins, but for your mistakes, the things you regret? Show the people that you once hurt that you still love them. Imagine being in the shoes of the person you hate, and try to forgive them too.

People do stupid things. It's a part of nature. But if you "open your chakra", if you let go of what is brewing in your heart and eating you up inside, you might finally find peace.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."

Marianne Williamson wasn't kidding when she said that. It's something everyone can learn from and I feel it fits in with what I've been talking about. Our insecurities hold us back from making the world a better place. We are afraid to let ourselves be who we really are, show the world what wonderful things we can do. It is difficult for us to show kindness to one who we think outshines us. I know this is true, because I experience it all the time, even with friends. But it is NOT impossible to shine with them.

Reader, I'm not asking you to change the entire world on your own. I'm not asking you to change who you are. Your past will always affect who you are now and who you will be. But the next time you feel you have lost your way, remember this: if you can learn to let go of what is blocking you, and focus on doing what you think is right in whatever you pursue, there's no telling what amazing things you can accomplish.

When you let your light shine, others will do the same. With insecurities forgotten, you and everyone you affect can open up in your own way and banish the dark things that invade this earth like parasites. Liberated from your own fears and mistakes, you are able to permit love and understanding in your heart. As you grow others will too. Like a chain reaction.

You can affect change in this world. We are connected, like the elements. The illusion that we are separated has been drawn and redrawn for us a million times over. Our job now is to take that drawing and create something beautiful.

For beauty exists not only in your hands, reader, but in everyone's. Share it, and that beat up piece of paper will become a world masterpiece, something that we can share for generations to come.

There is still beauty and hope in this world. Let's open our hearts and our minds to it.

Fears, Faith, and the Unknown.

I've been thinking too much lately. About college, AP credits, how I'm going to handle my and Doran's relationship... I think that all this thinking is preventing me from getting better. I caught the stomach flu from my nephew on Wednesday when my mom and I were taking care of him, and I haven't gotten any better. I can't keep food down so I haven't eaten much. It sucks, really.

All of this thinking isn't doing me well either. But it's difficult to stop when I have nothing to distract me. I want friends over but I know my mother won't let me. I don't want to get anyone else sick either. And Doran is gone in SoCal to do his orientation at Pomona so he and I haven't been able to talk much today. He's going to be there until Saturday too. *sigh*

I know I shouldn't complain. But I need to get my thoughts down somewhere or I'll go insane. So I guess I'll just start ranting.. Think of it as a stream of consciousness.

I honestly don't think I'm ready for college. I mean, all of my life I have been so sure of the things around me. I know that a lot of it has changed over the years, but nothing as drastic as this. I feel kind of stupid though, because the college I'm going to is only a twenty minute drive from my house and I will have friends there that I know very well, but I'm still very afraid. The obvious fear for me is that Doran will be so far away and I have no idea what will happen.

He doesn't want me to worry but I really can't help it. We want to be together -- that much I know. So shouldn't it be easy from there? One would think so. But I always make things much more complicated than they should be, so our situation is kind of blown up in my head. He runs on faith while I seem to have none. I can't help that either though. I'm just so scared that if I completely put my soul into this that he'll fall in love with someone else and pull the carpet from under my feet. And it's a stupid fear too -- I totally get that. It's stupid to think that that would happen because it's almost been four years and it hasn't happened yet. Yet. How stupid am I? I'm like, making this all happen with my ignorance and stupidity.

Can't I see that he loves me? Can't I trust that he won't just drop me in a second? I hate myself for not being able to have faith in us. I hate myself for not being able to convince myself that nothing will happen and that we'll always be together. I mean, we talked about it Saturday and I told him that as long as I knew he was sure on us being together in the future that I would make it happen. Why can't I just leave it at that? Why must I continue to worry?

All my life I have worried myself over the unpredictable. Sure I made certain things happen when I wanted them to. But after that it's always just been a free ride. I went with the flow I guess. But somewhere along the line I lost that. I lost the ability to just trust someone with all my heart and enjoy the ride. Somehow I ended up seeing only the bad sides of situations, unable to open myself to the good that existed with what I had. The more that college looms over my head like a dark cloud (as I perceive it) the more I seem to lean toward a pessimistic side of me.

Somewhere along the line of my life I went from optimist to pessimist. Suddenly I could only see the glass half empty. And I ponder over the future way too much. I know this but I can't stop myself. Or, at least, I don't know how to stop myself. I think the reason for this is that I find a lot more assurance on my life when I hear the confidence that others have in me. When someone else tells me that I will make it, that I will survive these obstacles, I feel more okay with the world. Later on that goes away, of course, since my way of thinking doesn't agree with that.

And why is that? Why do I always have to look down on myself? I feel like I am so undeserving of praise, so pathetic to myself that I must be to other human beings. Obviously I don't like myself, which isn't exactly the best way to think. I don't think I'm strong, or intelligent, or witty, or funny, or fun to be around, or talented. I'm very critical of myself and though there are times when I am proud of myself they are very rare. The last time I can remember being proud of myself was when I made that lei for Doran, and the time before that was that solo I did for Doran at Becca's solo and ensemble concert.

I wonder... Does my only satisfaction of myself come from when I do something for Doran? Is it possible that I can only like myself if I give him my all? And if so, shouldn't I do it just to benefit us? What a strange possibility, if it's true. All the times I have been okay with myself have been in situations involving him. I mean, the only other time I remember being proud was when I wrote an assignment on Scarlet Letter for Mr. Coursey. And that was a very long time ago.

Anyway, apparently it seems that I am incapable of feeling good about myself for myself. I think that's partly because there are very few incidences when I feel as if I should be comfortable with myself. For example, I'm slowly learning that if I find clothing that fits me I'll look good in them. Other than that though, I haven't been learning much else.

So what's the real reason for my inability to have faith in my and Doran's relationship? Well, after this spiel I think it's because I don't have faith in myself. And you know, I think I've known this all along, but I've been unable to admit it to myself or to him. It sucks because he deserves to know.

All this unpredictability is really difficult to handle. I like things that are set in stone, that I can depend on. Some things I'm more sure of than others. Like I know that Danielle, Daniel, and I will still be the best of friends. I know that my parents will be there for me.

But with everything else there is always the "what if?" question. I know it upsets Doran that I worry so much about the "what if?" stuff. I don't know how to help it. Well, actually, I think I do. I think that once I can start having faith in myself and my abilities, and stop measuring myself against others, then everything else will just fall into place.

Because honestly, I have to have faith in myself to have faith in my and Doran's relationship. From there I can have faith in our future. College will be easier to handle, the distance between us easier to address. I'll be able to have fun while still getting things done. I'll be able to focus better on improving myself.

I can't do it by myself though. Or, rather, I can. I need to say that more. I need to tell myself that I CAN do things instead of not. I can make it through college while still staying with Doran. I will always be there to remind him that though I may be far away from him my heart is always his.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Passion

Do you know what you want in life?

This is what I have been thinking about today. Life is so short and we only have one – so what do we plan to do with it? Do you live every day to the fullest or hide in a shell?

Do you have that one goal you want to achieve? I think I know what mine is. I mean, the majority of us have planned out the rest of our lives, created goals to reach and things to accomplish before we die. So many of us don’t though. We don’t have a Bucket List or anything. We have a small idea of what we want but we’re so unsure about it that we don’t plan on anything really happening. We doubt that we have our whole future ahead of us. What if we die tomorrow? It’s a frightening prospect.

This is probably the reason why I’m so impatient about everything. I don’t trust that the future will always be there for me. So unpredictable and foggy – how am I supposed to know that the road is ahead when all I see is a thick mist blocking my view? There are so many things I want to experience that I feel like there isn’t enough time. I mean, seventeen years of my life have already passed and what have I been doing? Lazing about and going to school.

That’s another flaw I have (referring to my last post). I am SO incredibly lazy that I don’t do anything. I watch TV, stay up late, laze around, be a vegetable. Yet I want to learn to play guitar and ukulele, become a better singer and dancer, and learn as many new things as I can. I want to think deeply about everything. I want to get my name out there as someone who is not good at something, but great.

Honestly, I’m about as great as Patrick Star from Spongebob. I’m fantastic at lazing about doing nothing. And I want to be great at whatever I put my mind to. I know it will take work so I need to get off my lazy ass and do it. I don’t have enough passion to really do anything. I’m not even sure if my passion is singing. I’m still kind of finding myself, you know? Trying to figure out exactly what I want.

Despite this, I do know one thing. My biggest goal, my most important one, is to become a mother. Ever since my brother’s wife had her first child I have wanted to be a mom. I want to know what it feels like to create something so unbelievably beautiful, to be tied so immensely to another human being. Now I know this goal will happen eventually, so for now I can wait on it and experience everything else I want to experience. But that is my ultimate goal in life.

Other than that, everything else is simply small interests I have. I still want to be great at them and be passionate about them.

But I’m curious…

What exactly is it that you want in life, reader? What are your passions and goals that you would be willing to put your 10,000 hours into?

Flaws and Curve Balls

Sometimes, when life throws you curve balls, you just have to dodge them as best as you can. A lot of the time you find that you can get out of the way right before that ball hits you square in the face. But there are those incidents when you make a little mistake, just a minor flaw in your judgment that lets that ball get you. One smack in the face and you’ve got a black eye as a result. The stinging pain stays for longer than it needs to, your eye throbs horribly and that bruise just isn’t pretty. You’re pretty much left with a choice of showing off that shiner or wearing an eye patch trying to be a pathetic pirate.

And it’s only after you get hit that you start thinking about the causes. What mistake did you make somewhere along the line? Where did you go wrong? You have to think hard, which makes your eye throb more, and retrace your steps up until the moment the ball hit you. And when you realize that mistake you hate yourself for it because you know it was completely stupid and that any normal person wouldn’t have done it that way.

But you have to truly think properly to know that “normal” people experience stupid things like that all the time. Everyone has a flaw, even if they try to hide it in sugar-coated glory.

I have many flaws, but I figured out that my biggest one is doubt. I doubt almost everything when I shouldn’t. Part of it is because my mom would always tell me not to expect things to go the way I wanted them to. The other part is because of my own insecurities. Yet… though I know that I shouldn’t doubt certain things, I find I can’t help it. In other words, I doubt the things that do not deserve to be doubted.

I don’t really know how to remedy the situation. It takes a lot to convince myself of something once my mind has been set on the exact opposite. I only hope that with a little help I’ll be able to stop myself from doubting everything.

IT'S OVER!!!

OH MY GOD MY TWO WEEKS OF HELL IS OVER!!! I'm so happy that I made it through, because now my stress level has decreased SO much. Also, I haven't slept so much in so long! Saturday I took a four hour nap and still went to sleep around midnight. Sunday I woke up at eight, stayed up for about two hours, then fell back asleep until after two in the afternoon. I stayed home from school today to keep catching up on sleep.

It's nice to feel so well rested. Also, it's been raining like crazy outside and I would much rather be inside all nice and cozy warm. I just realized.. I should probably make a list of things that I have done and still have to do because it'll make life easier for me.

To Do List
1. Senior Project Presentation/Done
2. English Final/Done
3. History Final/Done
4. AP Calculus Exam/Done
5. AP English Exam/Done
6. AP History Exam/Done
7. "Prom" Rally/Done
8. Biology Final/Done
9. Calculus Final/Done
10. GRADUATION!!!!/DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, there's my list. So far I have a little over half of the things I need to do finished. Anyway, the TV continues to distract me, so sorry if this post is too short and too confusing. Toodles.

So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about a few things for a while, and I decided that blogging about my musings might enlighten the rest of you who read my posts. Now, those of you that DO read, please do NOT quote me on any of this, because my opinions are most likely going to change as I grow older and wiser.

So here are my topics: 1. First kisses, 2. Trichotillomania (don't worry, I'll define it), and 3. Sexuality.

1. First kisses

So first kisses, from a girl's point of view, are supposed to be the most romantic, like how actors do it in romance movies. In a generalized fashion, I'd say girls would want their guy to look them in the eyes, push a strand of their hair out of their face, and slowly bring their faces together, with a kiss that starts out softly and maybe progresses into something like making out. This is what I perceive to be the general dream that girls have.

Unfortunately for most girls, that dream dies when they have their first kiss. It's nothing like they pictured it to be -- in fact it's much worse to them. Their first kiss is awkward, strange, and confusing. Awkward because the guy (if it's his first too) doesn't know what he's doing, strange because they don't kiss like the girl sees the actor do, and confusing because they don't know how they feel about it afterward.

Sorry to burst your bubbles, girls, but your first kiss will ALWAYS be awkward. It will be nothing like the movies you've seen. But you know what? BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! Sure it's awkward and weird and everything the day it happens, but when you get older and look back on it you'll be able to just laugh about it. I laugh about mine whenever I think about it.

My first kiss was a wet one and even though I felt grossed out back then I just laugh now. My first kiss with Doran was awkward because I made it awkward, and even though I regret saying the things I did right before the kiss, I still loved it. When I play the memory in my head, trying to think of how it could have gone differently, I draw a blank. My and Doran's first kiss together was a perfect representation of our personalities and I will never forget it.

So next time you think about your first kiss, whether you're a boy, girl, or haven't had one yet, just remember that it will most likely be awkward, strange, and confusing BUT later on you might find you'll be glad it happened the way it did.


2. Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania (trich) is defined as "hair loss from a patient's repetitive self-pulling of hair" and is characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair, sometimes resulting in noticeable bald patches (from Wikipedia web result).

Now you're probably wondering why I have this as one of my topics today. Well, I'm writing about it because I have it. I've had trich since I was in fourth grade, and I remember the day I got it. I was walking with my classmates back to our room and I found an eyelash on her cheek. She put it on her finger for a second, closed her eyes, and then blew it away. When I asked her what she did, she said that if an eyelash fell out you could make a wish and blow it away and it would come true. It was then that I started pulling at my eyelashes, despite her attempts to tell me that it only worked if they fell out on their own.

I always thought I was alone with this problem. Until this past weekend, when I finally decided to search it up on Google. Then I discovered that what I did actually had a name, and that there were thousands of other people who had the same problem. I felt a huge relief when I found out.

I have always hated having trich. I pull out my eyelashes and my eyebrows and I've never been able to completely stop myself. I usually do it more when I'm stressed or anxious. I guess I've kept doing it not just out of habit, but because I already hate my appearance. I know my friends would disagree with me and tell me they've never even noticed that I have/do it. But I know they do. In fact, just last weekend when Daniel went over to Doran's house to get help on math, I was pulling at my eyebrows, and Doran's sister, Aubeni, saw me. She said something about it too, totally nonchalant and in no attack against me, but the fact that she noticed really hit me.

And yet I STILL can't stop myself. I absolutely hate it, which makes me do it more, and it's just an endless cycle. But I needed to tell people about it, to get it out there, in a vain attempt to help myself.


3. Sexuality

Now this one I'm not entirely sure how to go about. I was thinking about first kisses on the way home, and it made me think of sexuality. I've been back and forth on this for a long time, since the whole debate about whether or not being straight/lesbian/gay/bisexual is a choice. I'm not going to go into it, but I feel like maybe it could be.

So I started thinking about my own sexuality, and I wonder if all of the things I do at school (which my friends know about and which I will not repeat here) mean I'm bisexual but I don't know it yet. A lot of you will scoff at me or think I'm being retarded, but I'm trying to be serious. But I definitely need to think more deeply on it before I say anything. I'm just wondering if it's a possibility at this point.

I'm also curious, if I DID discover I was bisexual, what Doran would think about it. I wonder what he would say or how he would feel. *shrug* Just a thought.

Anyways, that's the end of my musings. Post your thoughts on any or all of the three sections. Toodles.

My two weeks of hell

Starts tomorrow.

Wish me luck.


...



Let the games begin.

Bad Dream

I had kind of a bad dream last night and early this morning. Amidst the normal convoluted stuff that was going on, I was trying to have fun with Doran...but he pushed me away and just left. The funny thing was that when he pushed me away I didn't even think anything of it -- it felt like it was a normal thing that was happening. But after he left I felt completely dejected, and though I tried to search for love from others that were there, none of them would love me in return either.

I'd never felt so alone in a dream before. And now as I sit here trying to relax I feel like bits and pieces of me are falling apart, like I'm crumbling under stress or something.

Actually, there was another part of my dream that really captures how I'm feeling. It's a little difficult to describe, but I'll try my best.

I was an observer during this scene, and around me the setting was of an Egyptian city. I didn't know who the people were, but they were all dressed in Egyptian type clothing as well. I remember there were three people to my right who appeared to be either of royalty or high standing, and to my left there was a commoner who I believe had either stolen something or was a pariah. He cowered beneath the might of the other three people, who I realized were actually gifted in magical arts. The center one uttered a curse, and there was this purple smog that exited his mouth and went past me to the man on my left.

It was here that my point of view changed. I ended up becoming the man, and I saw the purple smog coming towards me. Then my view changed back to where I was before, and I saw the smog enter the man's body. It was by far the most screwed up thing I have ever seen.

After the smog entered his body, large chunks of his body just started falling off of him. His skin ripped off, exposing the muscle underneath, and at some points he even ripped it off himself. His screams of excruciating pain were so unbearable and yet I couldn't take my eyes off him. And it kept happening too! His limbs would grow back,the skin would reappear, and then it would all start falling off again. His arms would fall to the ground, he would rip the skin off his chest as if it was wet pieces of paper.

I stood there horrified, watching it happen. Then the point of view changed and I was one of the magician people, and to them, he was simply on the ground screaming. Nothing bad was happening to him. I was still in shock, and I uttered a counter-curse to save him. After that he simply lay on the ground panting and shuddering.

It probably doesn't sound as extreme from the way I described it. But I saw it in full detail in my dream and I don't think I'll be able to get that image out of my head. But I feel like it's a good representation of what I'm feeling right now.

I need to rest for a little.. Toodles.

STRESS & GRADUATION OH MY GOD

I think I might die from the level of stress now currently on my shoulders. I'm going to be graduating in a month and a half, and the next two weeks are going to be filled with preparing for Senior Project Presentations, homework, testing, and finals. The anxiety filling my stomach is making me sick and I consistently feel like screaming. At the same time, I have to balance out those feelings with an intense focus on my homework, so I don't let Senioritis plague me. It came for one week before I quelled it with what might I had, so that it wouldn't come back again.

The problem now is that my classes have gotten so repetitive. That seems to be a theme for me this week. For example, during English, three minutes seemed like fifteen. The closer we get to AP Testing the more my classes focus on preparing. I have four AP classes (five if you count third block of core) and I only have six classes. And choir isn't getting any more interesting because we keep working on the same exact pieces of music over and over again, trying to clean them up and get our pronunciation/enunciation down pat. Even dance has gotten boring, because we continuously go over the same dance, cleaning it up, making moves sharper and bigger, etc.

I feel I'm on an endless cycle, only the closer it gets to graduation the more that cycle starts to unravel and reality sets in. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but it's so difficult when I keep thinking about the future... I mean, I just had to read all of the Housing Regulations and stuff for SSU today so my dad could make the first payment on my dorm.

I'm absolutely terrified of going off to college and leaving all of my friends behind. I don't feel I'm ready to start my life on my own. And yet the excitement of being away from parents and being able to make my own decisions without some type of guidance makes me want graduation to come faster. Right now... I just want time to stand still so I can take a deep breath, let myself relax, and get my priorities reorganized.

Life isn't letting me have that little moment though, so I have to make do. Thank God for TV... Though it's a huge distraction it helps me relax. Now I wonder if I should work on chapter twenty seven notes or just enjoy the night.

While working on notes would be useful, enjoying the night sounds much more appealing. Well, I'll decide later. Toodles.

Ugh

I feel like crap. I'm exhausted, tired, and my brain is slowly shutting down, like an old apple computer. I'm going to pretend it's still April 19th for the sake of this post.

I've pretty much felt like crap all day. It started last night, after Doran went to bed. The stuff we talked about really got me thinking, and though I'm not going to repeat everything we said, I will say that I pretty much felt dejected.

Now none of this is his fault -- I take the blame because I overreact often to little things he says. But sometimes what he tells me really gets me thinking.

Our conversation was mainly about what we do when we're together, and I realized that I'm really repetitive. I don't feel like I'm spontaneous like I used to be, though Doran tells me that I'm the most spontaneous person he knows. I feel like I'm just doing the same old thing over and over again, with nothing new to spice things up. He tells me that's not true, but I can't help but feel it now.

The real problem with this is that these feelings are just festering inside me and I'm making it worse than it ought to be. It's affecting my perception of things that previously wouldn't bother me as much.

Like tonight, when we were talking on Skype. All Doran wanted was to go to bed after he had finished homework (and it was after midnight by then) and I instantly started thinking about what we talked about last night. The way he said he just wanted sleep made me think that he's... well, that he's bored of me. What he told me last night had the same tone too.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I hate myself for thinking these things, and for taking things further than they need to be. And though he repeatedly tells me that what I'm thinking isn't true, I can't get over it. I guess you could say I don't believe him, which is partially true, but I also know that it's my own faulty way of looking at things.

See, this is what happens when I'm allowed to think for long periods of time -- I start to fester on every little detail, and I make myself believe it's a fault on my part. And even though I know this I still can't help but do it.

God, I'm not even making sense anymore. It's so freaking late too and I didn't even finish Leslie's notes. >.<

I hope you're somehow getting the gist of what I'm trying to say. And if not, basically I feel like Doran is bored of me -- to what extent, I don't know.

I guess I'm just being dumb again... I'm going to bed now.. Toodles.

Prom!!! Part 2

So I remembered some things about Prom last night while I was talking to Doran on the phone. I decided that I might as well mention them in a separate post since I doubt anyone will go and read the last one all over again.

So I described the girls' dresses, but I didn't describe the guys' suits. Doran wore a blue suit with, oh my gosh, an ORANGE tie! His boutonniere was white with an orange ribbon. He looked quite handsome in my opinion. Henrik wore a black suit with a black tie and his boutonniere was a purple flower. Daniel wore a black suit with a shiny blue vest, black tie, and white boutonniere. Kai wore a black suit with a blue shirt, black bow tie, and a white boutonniere.

Now I have to say, Jon was dressed the best. He had a white suit with black pinstripes to go along with the theme of Prom, A Stop in Time. He had a black shirt underneath with a blue tie that actually matched Daniel's vest and he had a white boutonniere. He also had black and white shoes that were hella sick.

So like I said, the theme of prom was A Stop in Time. The only problem with that theme was that NO ONE knew what it meant! The people who came up with it didn't specify exactly what time period we were stopping in. And, as always, no one even tried to follow the theme. Well, scratch that, a couple people did. Cameron actually came with a top hat and cane and I gave him a hug for that.

After the dance Daniel and I were talking and he came up with a really good point about girls and their dresses. He said that the girls who wear the really short dresses are the ones most likely to freak dance and that the girls who wear the long gowns aren't. Now, both of us know that's not true for everyone, but it was a pretty good observation.

Okay now I'm drawing blanks again... I guess I'll just add more onto this post since it's shorter. But later. Toodles.

Prom!!!!

So my friends are sitting next to me getting pissed because I'm blogging and they want me to eat food with them but I don't care because I'm going to write about how awesome Prom was last night.

Becca says hi everyone. And Megan says she's queen because they rigged the voting system. Stupid preps. Anyway.

Last night was absolutely fantastic. Well, actually, all of yesterday was. Doran came over around one in the afternoon and we spent all day together just hanging out and stuff. Then around four thirty we started getting ready for Prom, though we were really cutting it close because we had to be at Becca's at 6:15. We were only like ten minutes late. But anyways..

This is the dress I wore to prom. I have fair skin so I actually pulled off the look. Also, my mom curled my hair and I wore neutral colored makeup. My shoes were silver. I thought I looked fabulous and all of my friends did too, and that really helped boost up my self-esteem.

Oh my gosh, you should have seen all of the pretty dress my friends were wearing. Becca, our prom queen nominee, wore a deep purple dress that hugged her curves and her hair was pulled back into a stylish bun. She also had black elbow length gloves and purple eyeshadow. She looked stunning. Megan wore a flow-y knee length green dress with ties in the back, black gloves, and a little hair band decoration in her hair. She had a floral shawl too, which completed the look. Raina wore a dark purple ankle length strapless dress that hugged her body with a purple floral pin at the top. Her hair was pulled back into a stylish braid that took over twenty bobby pins to hold in. My other friend Megan wore a bright blue strapless gown with a sparkle design on the torso with ties in the back and her hair up in a curly bun. Emily wore a dark blue dress with long pieces of cloth sewn into the back that could either be part of a shawl or just flow-y decorations. Her hair was curled a little and some of it pinned up.

I have to say that all of us looked extremely fantastic. We all thought it was funny that I was the only one wearing orange. I stood out. Haha.

Okay, so after Doran and I got ready (he had a matching orange tie ^.^) we left for Becca's house and got there a little late. We took group photos with everyone and I got a lot of compliments on my dress. I honestly felt like a princess. Then after photos we headed over to Olive Garden where we were supposed to eat, but once we arrived they told us there would be an hour wait. None of us wanted to wait that long so we all decided to go to In and Out (which is so much better in my opinion) and everyone there looked at us with incredulous expressions because they had no idea why such nicely dressed people were at a fast food restaurant.

But we ate dinner there anyways, and we took tons of pictures and even got the workers to take one with us. It was so much fun and we had a blast just hanging out and talking and having fun with each other. At one point Jon stood up and raised his cup for a toast, and we all did the same. Thinking about it now kind of makes me nostalgic for the good ol' days, when we didn't have to think about college or graduation or leaving our friends. Life has passed by so quickly that it's hard to keep up with everything going on.

But anyways, after we all ate we headed over to the Santa Rosa Hyatt Vineyard Hotel where prom was at. I love it there because it's so beautiful. We got through all the security stuff and I found out that there was one other girl there who was wearing the EXACT SAME DRESS as me. I tried not to be surprised about it because I bought it at JC Penny's so there was bound to be someone else wearing it too, but I was still a little sad. Though I have to say (and my friends agree) I pulled it off a lot better. I don't want to be vain, though I guess I already am. Haha. Oh well.

The first thing Doran and I did after getting through security was get our pictures taken. I told him that it would be better to do it sooner than later, because later we would all be sweaty and gross. So we waited in a medium-long line and the photographer posed us. I can't wait to get the photos and see what we look like. ^.^

After pictures were through we voted for Becca for prom queen and Cameron for prom king and then headed into the dance room. Our friends were all surrounding a circular table near the food, so I pulled him over there. Throughout all of this we came across quite a few of my friends, who I made spin around for me to show me their dresses. Everyone looked really fantastic. There were a couple of people wearing orange dresses and a lot of red. One person I saw wore white, but the main colors were blue, red, and black.

Unfortunately, this year Doran and I didn't dance so much. We did dance to every slow song, which were actually my favorite ones. At one point Jon started a party boy line, similar to conga line, and he led everyone around the room. The bad part about that was that Doran accidentally spilled his drink all over the floor and the whole line came crashing through the spilled ice and soda. Both of us were like, "NNOOO GO THE OTHER WAYYY" but no one heard us. The workers cleaned up fast though.

Oh, so the food they had was delicious. It was all dessert food, but they had apple slices, kind of parfaits, graham crackers, pretzels, pineapple slices, strawberries, marshmallows, wafers, chocolates, cantaloupe slices, cupcakes, and best of all, a chocolate fountain. I tried to stay away from that because I knew if I tasted it I wouldn't stop eating it. So I stuck to eating apple slices, which were actually really delicious. For drinks they had a variety of Shirley Temples, water, and some sodas, like orange Fanta, Pepsi, Coke, and I think root beer. The Shirley Temples were soooo good.

Okay back to the party. So my friends and I mostly stayed away from the dance floor because it was just a giant mosh pit and we didn't want to get crushed in the throng of people. Though at one point the DJ announced that there would be swing songs playing, so after the floor cleared my friends and I invaded and did the Charleston (which I seriously don't know how to dance) and then we did a bunch of swing dances. When the fast song came on Jon grabbed Megan and they started showing off their moves, doing flips and dips and the like. It was actually pretty cool.

After the swing dancing most of us went out into the lobby section to get some air. I was talking to Brenda and Anthony and Anthony was sweating like a dog so I grabbed some napkins on a table nearby and started wiping his face. He turned a little red at that but I told him he needed it. Then I dragged Doran back inside to go sit down because he kept telling me his legs were hurting. We talked for a little, while the music vibrated throughout our bodies.

That was one thing I didn't like about the prom. The music was pretty much all the same. It consisted of a very loud, thumping bass with a little bit of actual music in the background. Like Unce music, really. They did play a few good songs though, including the swing songs and a couple from dance I knew. That was really fun, when they played like Single Ladies and Day n Night. I actually did the choreography from the Dance Team in my gown.

Oh, and then they had a Thriller competition! The DJ played Thriller and said that anyone who could do the whole dance would win two tickets to a rap concert. The funny thing is that Becca won and she isn't really into that kind of music. But she did the Thriller dance very well. Marisa won too, doing the routine from dance. It was fantastic.

Unfortunately, Becca didn't win title of Prom Queen. Instead this couple won, which pissed me off because that always rigs the voting system. Everyone I know wanted Becca to win. Stupid popular people.. And apparently this couple had been together since freshman year, which really pissed me off because so have Doran and I and it just seems stupid that that's how they vote. It's like, what the hell? But whatever.

After the swing dancing was finished and Becca won the Thriller dance, we all headed back to our dance corner by the food table. We started a like, tribal dance in this corner and a table of preps nearby kept looking at us like, "What the hell?" but the great thing was that none of us cared. We were dancing around in a circle really crazily and at one point I got in the middle and spun around dancing while everyone else grabbed hands and started rotating the opposite direction. It was so fun!! And even Doran got in on it.

God, I just realized this post must be extremely long. I'm sorry to those of you taking the time to read this, I got so into the details!! I can't help it, I just want to get everything documented..

But to continue.

I must have left Doran stranded so many times last night. It was only after I was finished getting to my destination that I realized I'd left him behind. So I had to maneuver back through the crowd to find him, and when I did I grabbed his hand and pulled him back. The few times we danced together were really fun.

Oh my gosh, so during one of the times Doran and I were on the dance floor together my friends Paulie and Kelly Rose were right behind me dancing too. Doran and I were facing each other and Paulie and Kelly Rose were facing each other, so Paulie and I were back to back. Now both of us were dancing a lot and our butts kept hitting each other and I was like "What the hell is going on?" and Paulie, at the same time, was thinking it was a competition. After about a minute I had to stop and turn around laughing at him because it was so awkward and weird. But thinking about it now makes me laugh out loud. What made it funnier was that neither Doran nor Kelly Rose knew about it until afterward.

Oh I remember that when Doran and I were at the front near the DJ's stage we were dancing together (while getting stuck in the mob) and some guy approached a girl behind me and asked her to dance. She told him sure and they started freaking right there and after the song was over he left. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I don't think they even knew each other and yet they danced like that! It was just.. incredulous to me. But I guess that's high school...

After about two hours of partying with my friends, and still having an hour before Prom ended, we were all pretty much beat. Doran and I just sat down together talking a little and relaxing. When our ride arrived we headed outside. I talked to a couple of my teachers for a moment, describing my before and after Prom self, then went into the nice cold air outside the building. It was lovely after being cramped in a sweat filled, heated room. When I got home I stayed up for a little longer, then conked out on my bed until around 11:30 this morning.

So that's just about everything I remember from Prom. If I do happen to remember anything else I'll mention it in a new post. Sorry again for it being so long.. I hope you enjoyed my rant though!

Thanks for reading if you did. Toodles!

Day of Silence

So Friday, April 16th, was Day of Silence. This day is to commemorate all of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender comrades in this world who are silenced by bullies, taunts, threats, etc. against their sexuality. I knew about this day before, but I never took part in it, because i didn't really understand what it was for. But this year, I decided that for one day, I would keep my mouth shut for the thousands of those who are forced to stay quiet.

And I have to say, that must have been the hardest thing I've ever completed in my life. I love to talk and I talk all the time. So staying silent for one full day of school was really hard. Others would say it's not, but communicating via paper and pen... It's not fun. Plus, during class discussions, I couldn't say a word or join in.

I realized that it's really hard to speak when others speak over you. I guess that's the gist of Day of Silence.

The thing that really pissed me off about being quiet was that people who were talking didn't even notice the few that stopped. And those that did merely made fun of us or gave us weird glances. The other thing that got to me was the fact that a few people would come up to me, realize I wasn't talking and why, and then say, "I support Day of Silence, but I don't do it because I'm not that extreme about it." That really pissed me off because the only way things have gotten done in this country is through extreme measures, like riots and strikes and whatnot. And not talking for a day isn't even that extreme at all.

Maybe I'm strange for getting so worked up about it, but people just need to understand and it's hard when they choose not to. I'm glad I'm one of the few that joined in this event because now I get the gist of what it's like. I already know I don't know exactly what it's like and I probably never will. But even trying to understand is an effort.

I guess I should stop now, since I have killer hiccups and I'm starting to not make sense. I'll have another post up soon though. Toodles.

Homework Death Swamp

So Doran and I have basically been dying under loads of homework this week. He's got it worse than I do, what with that stupid Art History class, but we're both up late at night like this still finishing. I guess that's probably our fault though, since we both like to procrastinate.

I blame it on technology. My reasons? Not only does it give me something to blog about, but it's also something that my class talked about in core the other day. With computers and the internet to broaden our social lives and TV to transport us from reality, it's not that difficult for the average teen to simply not work. Add it with Senioritis and you've got one hell of a slacker.

Not that I'm a slacker. I always do my homework and I finish it before it's do and I actually try. But the closer it gets to graduation the more I procrastinate. And Doran.. Well, he just procrastinates all the time. Haha.

My main problem with finishing homework is that while I'm working I have the TV on and my laptop in front of me with Facebook taking up the screen. Lately, though, the TV has been turned to a radio channel, just so I can have noise in the background. But Facebook I refresh like, every ten seconds because their stupid update thing doesn't work as well as I would like it to.

I think the other problem is that my homework lately has gotten repetitive. For English all I'm doing is reading and answering questions. In Calculus I'm practicing for the AP Calc exam by doing previous ones. In History it's notes every time, and in Bio I've been answering questions. It's not all that interesting anymore, but I trudge through it because I feel obligated to. It feels like a murky swamp of papers. I don't know.

Anyway, it's uber late and I'm really tired. Maybe you guys have the same feelings about homework? Post a comment if you do. Or if you don't. Doesn't matter. Toodles.

Cafe Noto

So I'm sitting here in Cafe Noto waiting for Megan and Becca to come. I'm just glad I'm not the only customer in here now, because I was for like, ten minutes. I hate that I had to be here so early too. I was going to sleep in until nine, but then I realized that I wouldn't have a ride if I did, since my dad needed the truck for work and my mom is babysitting. So now I'm here, waiting for friends to arrive.

Danielle and Daniel got back from Denmark last night and I just looked at all of Danielle's photos on Facebook. A lot of them are cute and funny and some are pictures of the scenery. Unfortunately I won't be able to see them until lunch, which makes me sad because I want to see them now. I really missed them and I can't seem to figure out why I missed them so damn much. I guess it's because they're my two bestest friends. ^.^

I don't know if I mentioned before, but on Wednesday last week I was invited by Megan, Becca, and Raina to their road trip to San Diego or Santa Cruz. The road trip was actually planned for the three of them and Danielle, but they extended the invitation to me since I became a part of their tight knit group. When I think about it it makes me really happy and excited. I hope my dad will agree to it -- in fact, I think I'll email him about it while I'm here.

Well, I finished the hot cocoa I got. I'm wondering if I should get anything else since my dad gave me a twenty before he dropped me off. I think I like Cafe Noto better than Starbucks, simply because it has a more family oriented atmosphere. It's cozy and warm and has free Wi-Fi, which I especially like.

So this lady just walked in and I want her shirt -- it's a deep red (almost maroon) color and it's kind of a turtle-neck, but the neck part is loose. I think Danielle has a shirt similar to it. I like it though.

Anyway, I'm going to go email my dad about the road trip. Toodles.

Mmmm Lomi Salmon and Poi...

So my mom made lomi lomi salmon and poi today, so I have something to eat! If you don't know what either of those are, you can search it up on Google or keep reading to find out!

Lomi lomi salmon is a special blend of green onions, white onions, tomatoes, and salmon. Poi is a paste made from taro plants (which also make taro bread). Together they're quite delicious. Poi has a terrible taste though by itself, which is what usually turns off people. I remember when I first had poi.. I thought it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever eaten, but now I love it! I guess it's an acquired taste.

Anyways, yesterday I went to Oakley for Sheldon's birthday party. It was really fun -- we went to the bowling alley (which I completely failed at) and then back to his house to play video games and whatnot. The party ended around four because Sheldon had to go to work.

After it was over, Doran, Aubeni, and I went back to their house to spend the next two hours together. My mom was going to get me at six thirty. Doran and I ended up falling asleep on his bed because we were so tired. I hadn't gone to bed until three that morning because I couldn't sleep, and though he got twelve hours of sleep he was still really tired as well. It was nice though and I really enjoyed it.

Now, today, I have to finish my English homework. Then I'm going to Danielle's house to welcome her and Daniel home from Denmark! I'll be they'll be tired from the plane ride and she'll be sad for leaving Greg. But I'm hoping she'll tell us all about the trip!

Anyways, I got to get to work. Toodles.

Spring Break Accomplishments

So I'm making a list of the very very few accomplishments I've made over Spring Break.

1. Finish history notes (I just did that two minutes ago).
2. Kept up with three role plays on Gaia.
3. Actually went out with friends instead of staying home ALL BREAK.
4. Said something nice to at least five people.
5. Chose a college to attend for the next four years.
6. Rode my bike at least once.
7. Made a relationship chart with Megan.

That's pretty much all I can think of as "accomplishments" I've done over break. I think the one I'm most proud of at the moment is that I finished my history notes in one day. Sure it took me a couple hours, but that's because I was doing other things as well. I managed to focus long enough to get it done and that's all that really matters to me.

Though I have to say, making a relationship chart with Megan was very interesting. We started with our normal group of friends and somehow managed to branch out and accommodate not only us but people from other groups as well. It's pretty confusing and difficult to explain, but so so epic. I'm going to continue it too, because I know there are a lot of people that connect to the ends of this chart. I'm going to digitalize it too. Anyways, I'm off to do that. Toodles.

Day with the girls

So today me, Megan, Raina, and Becca went to Scandia to have fun before we did actual history homework (which we haven't actually done yet...). First we had to go to Sonoma State to drop off Raina's younger brother for some shadowing thing he was doing for a research project. Becca and I were really excited while we were there, because that's the school we'll be going to in the fall. Afterward we went to Scandia, which was only about twenty minutes away.

While at Scandia we played a round of miniature golf, a few arcade games, and raced on the track. Mini golf was really amusing because Raina had such issues even hitting the golf ball, though by the end of the game she managed to get a hole in one. Becca almost broke one of the windows because she hit hers so hard. I somehow managed to get two hole in ones and I was so happy about it that I started dancing around excitedly and some kid looked at me like I was crazy. Megan, unfortunately, wasn't so lucky, though she at least beat Raina. It was really fun all in all.

The arcade games were all right, though we had issues with the DDR one. We couldn't figure out how to get to two players and the coin system was weird and we just got confused. Raina and I played ice hockey and I totally pwned her. At one point she hit the little puck and it hit my finger and I almost swore until I saw a young child nearby. But it was okay because later on I hit the puck so hard that it flew off the "rink" and almost whacked Raina in the face. We couldn't stop laughing because it was so funny.

Now the racing part was by far the most interesting. When we finally managed to get on the track Megan passed me up only because I was trying not to hit the woman in front of me who was driving her little daughter. Raina was by far the slowest and I kept yelling to her to go faster, but she didn't seem to listen. Later on in the race Megan had been slowing down so I could catch up, and some lady pushed into her car and made her spin around so that she was facing me. I turned around in my seat and saw a horde of cars coming, so I screamed "STOP" at them so they wouldn't crash into us. One guy actually managed to stop right before hitting Megan's car. It took the worker dude about five to ten minutes to finally get her sorted out before we could all drive again. It was pretty funny.

After Scandia we headed over to In n Out for some delicious food. I don't even remember eating the hamburger I ordered because I ate it so quickly. Then we picked up Raina's younger brother and headed home. Once I got home I took a shower and headed to dance, which pissed me off and was a total waste of my time because only FOUR of us showed up. There's almost twenty of us and only FOUR showed to practice, plus our coach. It was so annoying. But now I'm at Becca's new house with the girls and I'm so happy right now. It was really really nice to get out of the house.

Anyway, we're making a relationship tree of our friends and it's getting really interesting so I'm going to go join the fun. Toodles.

Homework Day and Glasses?

So today I've decided will be homework day. My teachers assigned quite a lot, so I'll only be doing half of it today and hopefully the rest of it tomorrow. But enough about that, because that's SO not what I want to talk about.

What I really want to talk about is the fact that Doran got his glasses today! He just showed me on Skype and he said he's going to take pictures and put them on Facebook. I think he looks so freaking handsome with them on, I can't believe it!!! Oh my gosh it makes me swoon even thinking about it, though I only saw him for like, two minutes before he went downstairs to go eat something.

I think he looks so fantastic and I believe that it's a little because I have a thing for guys with glasses. I can't help but smile when I think about it. I probably sound like an idiot but I don't care! ^_^

He looks a lot older and very intelligent with them on. I so totally love it. I was a little scared at first because I thought he'd have glasses like my dad's, which were large, round, and gold rimmed. But I LOVE these ones because they're just the right size and shape and just... OMGGG.

Anyways, I guess I should probably stop ranting about how fantastic my boyfriend looks and get back to my homework.. Although now I don't think I can focus on it because I'm tired and I just want to talk to him because he's been at school all day. God he looks so freaking fantastic. ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

Anyways, toodles.

One problem down, another to go.

I am officially going to Sonoma State University. And I'm so excited!!! I'm so glad I made my decision yesterday because I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The only problem is that, even though that weight is off my shoulders, another on was added on.

Last night Alexa came over and we talked about a lot of stuff, because that's what we do when we haven't hung out in a while. Well, while we were talking I brought up some stuff that I actually hadn't thought about before she was over. That normally happens when she's over. Well, I wrote down how I was feeling to Doran in an email around three in the morning, and I got his reply when I woke up. It was really long and detailed, and at the end he said he'd call me when he woke up. He's going to wake up soon (he went to bed at five thirty because his reply took a while) and I'm really nervous because he wants to talk about everything in the emails.

But anyway, this morning I sent him another email in reply to his reply, and I want him to read it before we talk about it. I kind of don't want to talk about it on the phone, simply because I don't know how to talk about serious stuff on the phone. I'm so used to doing it on AIM. Plus, I'm kind of scared to talk on the phone. I don't know why but I really am. And I put that in the email I sent this morning. So I want him to read it beforehand.

Hopefully our talk goes well. *crosses fingers*

Toodles.

College Decisions... Eep!

So my parents want me to accept my admission to Sonoma State today! I'm so nervous because I'll be deciding where I'll be living and spending my time for the next four years. It's a really frightening prospect and my heart races just thinking about it.

I guess part of the reason is that, though I love Sonoma State, I'm still not entirely sure if that's the place I want to go. I haven't visited any of the other colleges I've gotten accepted to (though a few I'm sure I'm not going to) and I feel like I should see my options before deciding. The problem with that is that time is running out fast. I have to make a decision by May 1st and I don't have enough time to go see all the colleges I want!

One good thing is I've narrowed down my decision between two schools: Sonoma State and University of the Pacific. They're both amazing schools with everything I want. Here's a list of pros and cons for each.

Sonoma State Pros:
1. Close to home but far enough away.
2. Has my intended major.
3. Very spacious, inviting, and beautiful.
4. Dorms are well accommodated.
5. Rec room looked fantastic.
6. Very up to date with technology.
7. Brand new music hall.
8. Two of my friends are going there so I won't feel too newbish.
9. Not as expensive as most schools.

Sonoma State Cons:
I couldn't think of anything.

University of the Pacific Pros:
1. Prestigious.
2. Amazing music program.
3. Has my intended major.

University of the Pacific Cons:
1. Far away (about two-three hours).
2. Accepted me for the wrong major (and didn't fix it).
3. Extremely expensive (about 40 grand per year).
4. Haven't seen the school (bad on my part).
5. I won't know anyone at all.

Wow. I guess Sonoma State is pretty much the one I should go for. I see nothing wrong with it, while University of the Pacific has a lot of cons. So why am I so uncertain? Maybe it's just nervousness or anxiety. Or both. Or maybe it's because I feel like if I accept my admission to Sonoma I won't be making the right decision for me. I don't want to consult anyone else, either, because I tend to side more with others than with myself. Damn it, I hate being so indecisive! But then again, it IS college...

. . .

Okay. After a moment of serious thought (and reference to the Sonoma State website) I think I've made my decision. I will go to Sonoma State University for the next few years to get my degree in whatever major I intend. I'm still nervous and excited and anxious, but I'm beginning to feel that this school is right.

Now, to accept my admission. Oh dear.

Toodles.

Prom Dress!!

So today, the epic happened.

I found a prom dress.

Now, this may not seem so fantastical to you, but for me, it's a miracle. Usually when I do any kind of shopping, it takes me more than a day to find something I like. Now, with dresses, it takes me about two or three days and many hours of shopping to find something that I like and that fits me. Being overweight doesn't help either.

But the epic happened today and I found a dress! I found it and it's beautiful and I look fantastic in it (which is rare) and I love it!!! I feel like a princess in it and I get excited just thinking about it. I refuse to give details though, because I know Doran will eventually read this and I don't want him to know anything about it.

Also, as a bit of a marketing device, go to JC Pennys if you're looking for a dress, because, even though they might not have a wide selection, they do have really amazing dresses. I went to this one dress shop at the Plaza mall in Santa Rosa that's downstairs and in the corner and their dresses were pretty much crap. They're all for smaller girls and they weren't that pretty. Plus, they were priced over two hundred dollars. But JC Pennys has served me well and my dress was only sixty bucks on sale.

Anyway, that's enough marketing out of me. It's like, two in the morning now, so I think I'll cut this post short. Sorry for those of you that wanted me to keep going. Toodles.

Hello again.

Right now, as I sit and type this, I'm watching Ice Age 2: The Meltdown, eating meatballs and drinking ice mocha stuff I make while my brother, Nick, is in the kitchen making himself lunch. He comes here to eat because his work is just a few minutes away from our house and we have awesome food. My mom is actually at his house watching his babies (who I miss very much) while his wife is at work. My dad's at his job doing whatever he does (it's sad that I don't know, I know).

My day has been pretty much mundane. I woke up at 9:30 AM, am waiting for the drier to stop, and have been role playing consistently since last night. I didn't go to bed until around four, so on five hours of sleep I feel like I'm doing pretty well. Oh, I also just started following my friend's blog. Wren's her name and she's a beautiful girl with lots of talent for drawing and painting. Here's the link The Origin of Love.

Her first post about the creation of the universe and of Earth pretty much made my brain explode. She's innovative and creative that way.

Oh, I just realized that today is April Fools!! Put on your jingly hats, folks, and bring out that juicy banana you've been waiting for someone to slip on. And for all you victims out there, watch out!

I had a fun time tricking Doran early this morning, a little after twelve. I made him believe I had some kind of terminal illness. My story went a little like this: A couple months ago I went to the doctor to get a physical, as well as to get some shots for the Swine Flu and blood tests for chicken pox. (That part is actually true.) Well, a couple days afterward, the hospital called me to tell me that they had found something in my blood. They wouldn't tell me over the phone so I had to go there to figure it out. They showed me what my blood test said, and it said, "APRIL FOOLS!!!"

Funny right? I didn't want to specify what kind of illness it was, because I felt that it would've gone too far and honestly, you really shouldn't joke about that stuff. But I couldn't resist tricking him since I'm never convincing, but I had a spur of the moment brilliant idea. Some of you might think I'm evil, vile, or cruel for doing something like that, but, come on, how many people have you seen faking a broken bone or head wound?

Anyways, I'm gonna get back to the rest of the internet world. I hope you all have a wonderful, joke-filled, fantastical April Fools Day!!

Toodles.

Doran's Birthday is Today!

First off:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to update. Teehee.

So forget my last blog post. I've decided to keep writing, because I got back into role playing on a different site, and after thinking for a while, I figured that if I'm a terrible writer then at least I'm a happy one. I would much rather be that than not write at all. And I left the site that girl was on (which was Neoneo, but still go there if you're interested because it's an all around swell place).

Now I'm writing again and it feels good. Role playing is a great way to interact with people without actually getting into their lives. It's fun. Oh, and it's a great way for me to relieve stress, because if I'm upset then I can make my character go crazy for me and it's like an outlet. I don't know if that's normal or if other people do it, but it helps me and that's all that matters, right?

Even so, I felt like crap after what that girl said to me. But I finally got it all out of my system and things are starting to look up again. It's nice to see the sun shine after so many rainy days. =)

Oh, and you know what else is nice?





I hope you enjoyed that. I certainly did. Toodles.

It's been a while.

I know I haven't been posting so much. I've had a bit of a downfall with the whole writing thing.

About a week ago someone told me that I wrote like a twelve year old and they completely insulted my writing and called it criticism. I didn't appreciate it and I didn't ask for it. It hurt me pretty deeply. I can't figure out why it hurt so much, but I know that for a while I just didn't want to talk to anyone.

I'm not going to complain about it, at least not to others, anymore. I'm trying not to complain about anything to anyone, which means watching what I say. People will tell me that I don't need to, that it's okay to complain because everyone needs it. And I know I need it, but others don't need to hear it.

I've already been told that my complaining gets annoying. That's just given me more conviction to stop doing it. It doesn't mean I won't listen to anyone anymore -- if you've got a problem you need to get off your chest then you can come to me. I will listen.

I'll probably be a bit more reserved now, because of this whole thing. I need to keep more to myself. However, I figured that I might as well tell everyone what's up now so I won't be asked questions later.

That's all I have to say for now. Toodles.

Boring Sunday

I had a really boring Sunday. I woke up at nine and did nothing all day until eleven at night when I did my homework. Everything in between was filled with watching TV, eating, talking to friends, and a nap.

I had a day of Senioritis, I guess. I didn't want to do anything. Since I finished my Senior Project portfolio I don't really have the motivation to do homework. And I'll be graduating so soon.. I just need good enough grades to pass and I'm good. That's the kind of mentality I DON'T want.

I mean, it's pretty easy to keep my A's, except for bio. That's the only class I actually have to try in. And maybe a little in Calculus. But honestly, I barely have to try in my other classes. I don't feel like I'm BSing anything. I just feel like I hardly have to try.

I don't know what it is. But whatever, I'm not going to worry about it.

Wow. I think this is the shortest post I've had since starting this blog. That's so strange to think about. Ah well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. Well, toodles.

Wonderful Saturday

I had a really wonderful Saturday today.

I went to Doran's house to spend the day with him, since my mom had to go help my grandparents and they live only about an hour away. We didn't really do much -- just hung about his house talking, being silly, and sleeping.

I have to say that my favorite part about today was getting to sleep on Doran's comfy bed beside him. He always keeps me the right temperature and I love to have his arm wrapped around me while I'm sleeping. I feel safe and secure like that. We actually did fall asleep for about two hours. It was fantastic.

The other part of the day was spent making videos with Aubeni. The last one we did was really long and consisted of me and Doran being very silly and stage fighting. It was fun to pretend to hit him (even though sometimes I actually did).

Anyway, I know I haven't been on in a while, but I have good reason. This week has been really hectic for me because I was scrambling to get my senior project portfolio done (which I can rightfully say it HAS) and over the four day weekend I was in New York for the arts program trip. It was the best trip of my life. I came back with so many memories and inside jokes.. I even documented the trip with my camera, but if you want to see all that stuff you have to add me as a friend on Facebook.

Unfortunately, if you aren't my friend in real life, that will be very difficult for you to do. I'm not releasing my real name.

Well, that was pretty much my day today. I know this post is really short, but I'm too tired to write anything more and my wrist really hurts. So toodles.

Stress stress and more stress

God, I don't even remember the last time I came on here. It's been a while, and I don't remember half of what's happened this week.

To put it concisely, I've been stressed.

AP homework, combined with dance, friends, the looming due date of senior projects have all pretty much been weighing me down since this the beginning of this week. Monday I had dance, Tuesday I had a basketball game to perform at, Wednesday I hung out with Daniel and Danielle then later had dance practice again, and today I had another basketball game to perform at. Also, I've had homework all week and a Calc test yesterday.

I'm honestly surprised I haven't gone insane yet. I'm just barely making it through the day, coming home exhausted but having to stay up late doing homework. Yesterday, right after I came home, I started my homework, helped my dad with my nephews, went to dance, came home, and finished homework. By the time I went to sleep it was a little after 1:30 in the morning. Then I had to get up early today to get ready for the rallies at school. And I had a full day.

I am so tired.

But I don't get to sleep just yet. I have to do SOMETHING on my senior project. I keep procrastinating and making up excuses that I have no time. I have time today and I'm going to start that stupid five page essay. I really hate senior projects -- yes, they provide a lot of opportunites and experiences, but there's way too much stress involved. If they lessened the requirements it wouldn't be so bad. But there's a LOT that we have to do.

Anyway, I mainly wanted to get a couple things off my chest.

I don't think I can go another day without talking to Doran for at least an hour with neither of us doing any kind of work. Honestly, both of us have been so busy doing our own things and living our own lives that we barely have any time to spend with each other. It really hurts when one of us has nothing to do and the other just has a crapload of work. Like today, for instance. Doran pulled an all nighter last night just to get his book review done (and whatever else he needed), and right now he's studying for his AP Art History test, then afterward will most likely go straight to bed. I have no work that's immediately due tomorrow so I could honestly just relax for a bit, but though I really really really want to spend time with him I can't.

I have said this to many people many times, but no matter how much I say it it doesn't change a thing. I hate it with every fiber of my being.

I know Doran knows this. I know he doesn't like it either. But that doesn't change things either. My friends try to help; they tell me that I should just go to sleep early and not worry about it. I can't help but worry about it! I have to show him that I still love him and care for him -- it's like a need, a necessary part of my life -- but I don't know how I can do that without bothering him when he has things to do. I'm trying to be supportive but I can only go so far. I'm so frustrated and hurt and depressed...

I don't know what to do. I can't function anymore because my thoughts are consumed by him. I have love for him that I need to give, but so much of it is spent on friends because I can't give it to him. There's no time to talk to him. I can't just stop him from what he's doing, because that'll waste time and make him go to sleep later and get all grumpy later. And even though all of this is making me sad, I have to refrain from leaning on him so I won't stress him out, which makes me lean on others and get close to them... I'm kind of afraid that we're growing distant, but at the same time I know that we're not.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Wow, I'm so behind

Okay, so I'm going to do a quick over view of everything that happened since Thursday.

Thursday

In the morning I went to the bank with my dad to get my first ever debit card. They're going to mail it within a couple days, but I got it for New York and then when I go off to college. I felt older.

By the time we were done though I only had an hour before I had to go to school, so instead I called in sick and went shopping with my mom to get me a jacket. We went everywhere and finally decided on one from I think Macy's or JC Penny's. I can't remember which.

We got home at around three o' clock and I fell asleep for about two hours. I spent the next hour getting fully awake, and then I started studying for my bio and history tests that were on Friday. Raina helped me study for bio, and we took two hours, and by the end of it my brain was totally fried. I couldn't even study for history 'cause I was so out of it. I ended up just going to bed. So yeah, Thursday wasn't all that interesting.

Friday

I tried to be fashionable again. I wore my black turtleneck sweater, jeans, boots, and my new jacket. People complimented me on how I looked and it made me happy. I had history first, which honestly sucked because I was so tired and I had to take the test I didn't study for. Thankfully it was only thirty questions long, but we had to set up a DBQ as well so.. It just wasn't fun.

English was all right, though I was still tired. We annotated a poem and did a little quiz.

Third block, I have to say, was the worst. We watched a video about post Civil War and freedman. A fourteen year old black boy born in Chicago was taken to Mississippi by one of his relatives where he was beaten and murdered for whistling at a white woman. The people who did it dumped him in the river and a couple weeks later some other guy found him with a gin fan tied around his neck with barbed wire. Pictures of his body were shown: he was completely mutilated; one of his eyes was out of its socket, his nose had been broken in multiple places, he was completely swelled because of the water.. I almost started crying because it was so bad. I can't even comprehend how people could do such a thing to another human being. The boy was only fourteen years old! And I remember his name was Emmett Till.

After that terrible movie, I trudged over to fourth block to take my bio test. This wasn't fun either because I had developed a pounding migraine. My head hurt so badly. However, I got a B on the multiple choice, and I think I did okay on the short answer question so maybe hopefully I got a B on the test altogether. But, knowing me, I probably got a C.

Today

Today I did absolutely nothing. I was going to work on my Senior Project, but when I finally got around to it my mom told me that we had only forty dollars in the bank, so I told her I'd wait. Which is fine, because I'm lazy anyway. Besides, I got to invite Alexa over. All I did today was watch TV, sleep, and go online and do nothing. That's how much of a lazy bum I am.

So that's the past three days in a nut shell. Toodles.

Oh, Wednesday...

I woke up at eight this morning since it was a minimum day and actually tried to look nice for school. I don't know what provoked me to do so, but I put on a little make up (not what I usually wear for special events) and wore my brown turtleneck sweater with the scarf Becca's mom made and my mom's new boots that kind of squished my toes. I still had my "homeless person" jacket, but soon I'll have a new one that looks a little better.

My mom dropped me off at school (excited that I was wearing her shoes and wanted a pair of my own) and I walked to the AP rooms. It was then that I realized I hadn't studied at ALL for my vocab test, though I had made flashcards the night before. It was okay though, because I managed to memorize them enough for the test. I got an A, much to Danielle's dismay. She had studied two hours the night before and even woke up at three in the morning to study. I told her that's probably why she isn't getting the words very well. Sleep helps.

Although I don't really want to talk about the rest of my day, I might as well go through it so that whoever reads this won't get mad at me.

History went by really fast because we had notes and my teacher wanted to get through them all so he wouldn't have to do them during third block when we were going on our bookwalk. We have a test on Friday that I'm not looking forward to.

Third block was the most fun, though I spent the majority of it alone. Danielle and Megan sped off toward the bookstore so they could get there sooner, but I decided to take my time and enjoy the walk. Nowadays people don't seem to appreciate the finer things in life -- they're always in a rush to get things done. I didn't want to do that. After we got the book we're going to read (Macbeth) I went to Pohleys (sp?) and got a huge monster energy drink. This thing has about four servings and a LOT of sugar.

My teachers were glad they didn't have me for fourth block.

In bio we took notes on DNA/RNA and our homework is to study for a test that's also on Friday that I'm not looking forward to. Everyone told me I was going to regret drinking that huge monster, but I'd already decided to share it with Daniel, who I knew would love me very much for it.

After school I headed to the band room and before school was even out he rushed to the door to have a sip. Well, not a sip -- it was more like chugging it down. He drank more of it than I did. The result was insane. He was very hyper and practically shaking, apparently. I roll my eyes at him.

I got home after my brother picked me up (though he forgot and my mom had to call him) and I helped my mom watch the two babies a little, then went upstairs and took a nap. I was so tired that I ended up sleeping until I had to go to dance, which didn't take very long, thankfully. We're learning a new routine that's pretty cool but fast. So far I've been getting it and I'm trying to go full out every time. Afterward I felt as if my legs would collapse. We also had this like, ab workout where we all got in a circle and did sit-ups and whatnot. I really like it.

I texted Doran meanwhile and he was getting me worried. Earlier during school he texted me and told me that he had fallen asleep early last night because he felt sick. And he had to go to the doctor for a checkup, but part of me feels like he's hiding something.. I don't know, maybe I'm just imagining things.

All I know is that he's really worrying me and I don't want to tell him how I feel because I don't want to worry him or keep him up late or anything because I know he gets sick from lack of sleep. At the same time though I really want to talk to him and just spend time with him but I can't because he's busy and I don't want to be a bother, but when there IS time I'm the one doing something or other so we haven't been able to talk... He told me he has Friday off but I don't so I'll be at school and I don't know if he'll text me because his phone has been dead and he hasn't charged it and I've sent him a lot of texts and I worry when he doesn't answer. I have to ask Sheldon if Doran even has his phone because I start to think that maybe he's ignoring me -- and then I find out that it's just dead and I wonder why he hasn't charged it yet. Plus, I think I might have gone over my texting limit..

Doran doesn't realize how much I worry about him. I want him to be happy and healthy, and when he's not I start to freak out. I know he needs sleep to function. When he doesn't he gets sick, like nauseous and dizzy... I'm afraid he'll end up in the hospital or something if he keeps this up... Plus, he turns into a different person. He's more cranky, irritable.. and sometimes not nice. I don't know, it just gets to me when he's like that. I worry enough about him as it is, and when he's like that I work myself up to tears. Combined with the fact that I want to spend time with him.. It's just not pretty.

I know he's going to read this at some point and feel terrible for all of it. I don't want him to feel that way, which is why I'm not telling him this directly. I might not tell him that I posted, just so when he finishes his homework he'll just go straight to bed.. As much as I'd like to talk to him after he's done, I won't risk it.

Well, sorry about my pathetic/depressing rant. I hope it didn't put a damper on anyone's day. Toodles.