My first LAN party.

I think this might be the first LAN party I've ever been to where I was actually somewhat involved. A group of my nerdiest friends came to Patrick's house to play WoW together. Daniel was having issues getting on so I went home and downloaded the game onto my computer, which took about two and a half hours. It was such a long wait, especially since I wanted to be back with friends. But once I was finished (after 1 in the morning) I immediately returned and handed over my beloved laptop to my friend in the hopes that he could get a better connection with it.

Unfortunately, there were so many people on Patrick's internet connection that he wasn't able to connect. Even now, as I type this, I'm on an unsecured network named "default". It's kind of crappy, but at least I have internet. But it's not enough to play WoW, since it takes up a lot of internet and this one doesn't have much.

So far, throughout this night, I've learned WoW terminology and even ran around on Patrick's character. But mostly I've been watching and talking to people. As the night goes on we start to lose our ability to hold sensible conversations. At around three or so, Greg mentioned something about going down to a place called "Booty Bay," to which I raised my eyebrow curiously, and it wasn't until I said something that he finally realized what he said. I'm not saying it's not an actual place, but the fact that it took him a while to understand what he said, and then to see him laugh until his face turned red, was quite hilarious.

Wren and James just recently returned from taking Adam home. I knew that Wren left and so I said hi to her, but I hadn't realized James went with her until he spoke. He wants me to start role playing with him again. I know I already role play a lot now, but I don't want to get into something long term and intense. Like, the role plays I'm in right now are only Harry Potter related and aren't very intense so it's pretty easy for me to write something.

Daniel is acting very fidgety since he has nothing to do but watch everyone else play. I feel kind of bad for him because he really wanted to play WoW with everyone, but no computer he tries to play on seems to let him. The internet is being really stupid. Our friends called it the "Daniel curse," which I don't think is a very good term for it. I can't really help out though, because even though my computer is connected to an internet, I can't connect to Patrick's internet. Still too many people even though a few of them aren't connected to it.

Doran went to sleep about twenty minutes ago, but I'm really worried about him. He told me he was feeling off and he watched this really strange Pink Floyd video having something to do with being numb... It was really strange and made me concerned for his mental health. But he told me he was okay and that all he needed was sleep. I'm still worried though.

Anyway, now I'm left at my own little table, typing this up and listening to friends talk about their WoW ventures while Daniel walks around aimlessly. I'm really tired but I don't want to sleep yet. I'm kind of sad, actually.

But I guess I'm finished with this blog now. Toodles.

Parties

So I'm sitting on Daniel's bed with a a bunch of other friends just kind of talking and having fun and whatnot. Nothing too serious, just teenagers doing what they do best -- f*** around. hahaha

Earlier was by far the weirdest part of this party. For some reason, Emily and Joel decided to switch clothing, and then everyone decided to do it to see if they could be each other. It was crazy. The whole thing started out as just us being silly, but then escalated into nothing short of epic. Becca, by far, was fantastic at being Daniel, while Rosie pretended to be me as she wore my dance jacket. She kept hugging Doran and he had this really uncomfortable look on his face that made me laugh hysterically. So effing hilarious.

Matt put on Kelly Rose's tank top, which was much too small, and rolled up his pant legs so that it looked like he was wearing short shorts. He is SO freakin' weird. Jon ended up in Doran's shirt, and he tried to imitate his deep voice but failed epically because he's a tenor and can't do bass. Karen was Megan, but apparently wasn't punching people enough. Megan was Jon, but had trouble making up witty/offensive remarks. Kelly Rose was Becca, and the actual Becca thought that she was doing a fairly good job. I was Paulie, but unfortunately I couldn't really play him as well because Matt was acting so incredibly retarded that I couldn't stop laughing.

As you can see, my friends and I are a very strange group of individuals. But at least the fun we have is better than going out and getting drunk with a bunch of strangers. Besides, we can remember what happened at these little events and parties and that's what makes them SO FREAKING AWESOME.

I mean, usually at the parties I go to, we stay up really late talking, playing videogames/board games/card games, reminiscing, just hanging out, etc. We can even spend time together while all or most of us are on computers. Like I am right now. Even as I type this, I'm half-listening to Doran's sister Aubeni retell a story about a magical talking snake to Doran who is apparently trying to marry a human girl which I'm completely NOT understanding. She says it was originally Becca's story.

Still not following. Haha.

Anyway, I think Doran is slowly losing his mind. You know, I wanted to write a blog with him because I thought it would be fun but I think that if we even tried it would end up being something totally crazy and no one would understand it.

Also, I think I'm going to stop writing this blog now since it's just... yeah.

Toodles.

Memories and Doran's writing style

I find that whenever I am bored with absolutely nothing to do but watch reruns of my favorite shows, I will go through old documents that I've written or have been written for me, just for old time's sake. It's endearing, really, to look back on fond memories, even when they're not in the form of written words. I like to remember the good ol' days, when life was fairly simple.

My favorite thing to do, though, is to read old documents Doran has sent me. My favorites are the one he sent me for my birthday, a "Who Am I?" essay he wrote for English one year, and a story he wrote about Halloween. Oh, and the other is a poem he wrote for our anniversary one year.

I have many reasons for liking these particular documents. One, all of them were for me or mentioned me (I'm so vain/selfish); two, he is a very good writer and he's really creative; and three, they were written by him. I love reading things he's written because he writes with a comedic twist, even when he's being serious. I can really picture what he writes. It's awesome.

I also love these documents because they're deep. Though he can write with hilarity, there's still the underlying emotion. Like the letter he wrote for me for my birthday -- some parts are quite funny, but it's so filled with love and care that I may only chuckle softly while reading. Or the poem he wrote for me: the first stanza of that basically says that his first impression of me was that I was deranged, but it's still filled with love too.

Haha I love how I started this out with looking back on fond memories and then it turned into how much I love the way Doran writes. Ah well, both are subjects I like to think about.

Now if only he would write more for me...

Death and Reincarnation

So I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and one of them was death. Not in the bad way or anything. I was just wondering what actually happens to a being's spirit once their body has finally given up.

First though, I want to think about that last dying moment. Right before you take your last breath, when your family is around you with tears in their eyes. I mean, what would you say to them? If you're in any situation, really, about to die; what do you say before you "leave this world"? I've honestly contemplated what I would say over a thousand times, but I've never fully set my mind on one thing. However, I have decided that no matter what happens, one of the last things I will say before I die will be "I love you, Doran."

What would you say, reader? Though it's not a very happy prospect you should think about it sometime. You don't want to waste your last moment saying something strange like, "cabbages!" or something. Then your family would be left trying to solve the mystery of that word.

Actually, that sounds kind of fun. Say something completely unrelated to anything just for the hell of it, and leave your family wondering. However, they might think you went insane just before you died. But I guess that's all part of the mystery!

Anyway, back to what I really wanted to talk about.

So I was thinking about what happens after death the other day, just kind of randomly since what I was doing wasn't related. (I was finding some food to eat in my house.) Now, some people believe that our spirits go to heaven where they find our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Others believe we meet up with God. Some spirits get lost in our world, unable to cross to the other side because of unfinished business.

Personally, I'd rather believe in reincarnation. Reincarnation basically means that after you die, you get born into something else. That's the gist of it at least. Honestly, though, it sounds a hell of a lot better than some of the other beliefs. I mean, I don't want just one life to live! Why should our spirits be bound to one lifetime and experience only a certain set of experiences? Why should we be confined to one perspective of life? I mean, think about it. If we were truly only allowed one life to live by God, the majority of us wouldn't be happy. What if our experience wasn't good? What if we didn't know we were supposed to make the most of what we had?

Reincarnation allows our spirits to experience so many things. When I was thinking about it, I imagined myself coming back to earth as an African child in poverty. How different my life would be from what I have now! I wondered if my spirit would remember this life; if, when I was a small child, I would recall memories of my previous parents. Would my parents then think me possessed? I don't know. Right now I only know the life I'm living.

I've believed in reincarnation almost all of my life. When I was younger, I would imagine thousands of spirits lined up at the pearly gates, waiting not for a meeting with God, but for their next life. I pictured an old soul standing near a podium type thing, assigning spirits to the next baby that would be born. Then those spirits would walk into the clouds and into their next life.

I guess that's a pretty silly way to think about it, but how else would it happen?

Besides, the other beliefs sound too depressing. So we die, go to heaven, and meet God. I know that's supposed to be the most divine thing we ever do, but once you meet God, then what? Do we just wander around heaven with nothing to do? How boring. I'd rather meet God a thousand times over than meet him once and never do anything again.

Or what about the people who believe that souls still wander the Earth? That sounds just as bad as the other one. We wander around, lost, lonely, still with unfinished business to take care of, unable to cross over. That's like living a life with no friends: you're invisible to the world but you still have to wait your turn to finish what you've started.

I think my least favorite is simply believing that there is no afterlife. We simply stop existing. Now that's just plain terrifying! There has to be SOMETHING that happens after we die. I can't imagine lying on my death bed, family around me or whatever, knowing that after this last breath I'm going nowhere. What about the saying, "Death is just the next big adventure"? If I believed there was nothing after death, I'd have nothing to look forward to!

This is why I think reincarnation is the perfect solution. Then death really would be the next big adventure. I wouldn't be confined to the earth, nor stuck wandering heaven. I'd stand in that huge line waiting for my next life and be indecently happy about it.

Just a random thought, but, what if heaven was one giant amusement park? That would be sick.

Oh oh, what if heaven was like that one book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven? Where, after we died, five people from our life would explain to us why we did the things we did and what the repercussions were. That would be very interesting and actually relieving, to tell the truth. If reincarnation didn't happen, I'd be fine with that as an alternative.

So reader, just a few questions to ask yourself (and tell me your opinions if you'd like): What will your last words be? Why would you say that instead of something else? What do you believe will happen to you after you die? Why do you believe that will happen?

I'm curious to hear your responses.

My Journey, Our Lesson

So I got sick last Friday, and I have to say that the journey from then to now has been an interesting one. You would think that being sick would make me sit around and do nothing, and you'd be right.

But you'd also be wrong.

For the last three days I have been watching Avatar: the Last Airbender. Now normally this isn't really anything special to talk about -- but what I learned from watching it is genuine. You'll think me crazy, but once you get past the plot and element bending you can really learn a lot.

As Aang travels from nation to nation, learning the various ways and traditions of bending the elements, he meets a lot of interesting people. Some of them are bad, some good, and some very wise. It is these wise people in the story that you really have to pay attention to. They're the ones that have the best lessons to learn from.

For example, in one episode, Aang meets up with a Guru in the Eastern Air Temple. This Guru teaches him how to open up his "chakra" -- centers of spiritual energy in the human body. He starts at the Root, the area of stability and strength. Then together they work their way up and open all the chakra in Aang's body so he can control the "Avatar State". Anyway, as they do this, the Guru explains each chakra and how to unlock it.

At the Earth (root) chakra, he says it is blocked by fear. He tells Aang to let go of what he's afraid of. Next is Water (sacral) chakra, the area of feelings and sexuality. To open that one up, Aang must let go of all his guilt. Third, the Fire (navel) chakra contains the willpower of a person. To unlock it he must let go of his shame. In the fourth, the Heart chakra (obviously for love), Aang must let go of his grief to open it. The fifth chakra, called the Sound (throat) chakra, deals with truth and for him to open it, he must admit the lies he has placed and accept who he is. Then he moves onto the sixth chakra, the Chakra of Light (third eye chakra). It deals with insight and intuition and is blocked by illusions. The final chakra is called the Thought (crown) chakra. This chakra deals with, you guessed it, thought! It's also concerned with wisdom and understanding the world and yourself. To unlock it, he has to let go of his attachments. In the episode it was supposed to let Aang enter the Avatar state whenever he wished.

Now, you probably read that and are thinking that I'm pretty much retarded for explaining all that. But forget my inserts of weirdness and actually read it. The chakra exist in each of us whether we believe in them or not. If you take what they stand for or what they mean, you can learn to help yourself. Think about it -- take your fears, guilt, shame, grief, lies, illusions, and attachments and let. them. go. Don't you think that if we allowed ourselves to let these things go, the world would be a better place? A place rid of hatred, racism, sexism, prejudice and misunderstanding. A world, a universe, filled with love, acceptance, understanding, friendship and so much more.

Isn't that what America was supposed to be about? Forget the controversy surrounding the Founding Fathers, forget our rocky relationship with Britain, think about what the essence of this country is supposed to be. We are supposed to be the land of the free. But take a good look, everyone.

What do you see?

I see greed, corruption, out-sourcing, hatred, confusion, people losing homes, families forced to break up, hunger rampaging through third world countries, politicians arguing, cultures dying, big businesses controlling the people, human beings dying for a lost cause, war, recession; I see racism, reverse racism, sexism, prejudice, oil leaks, blame, shame, regret, remorse, grief, helplessness, hopelessness, people who are lost, those who have lost everything, homeless, the ones forgotten, the ones left to die... I see a world slowly dying because of all these things.

And yet...

I also see the potential for greatness. I see good people, families holding together despite everything they have been through; I see community, friendship, understanding, acceptance, discipline, restraint, compassion, empathy, open arms, reunions, embraces, hope, those willing to help, the ones who haven't forgotten the ones who believe they are forgotten. I see culture, bonds forming, those reaching out a helping hand, others who help when they can, survival, togetherness, resourcefulness...

But more than that I see life and I see love.

We are not separated from each other as much as we think we are. Even this silly show, that at first glance looks childish, holds a valuable life lesson: "Everyone is part of One People, yet we live as separate people. Even the Separation of the Four Elements is an illusion; four parts of the same whole." We are a whole world. We may be different, but it is these differences, these rifts between us, that also unify us. At the base of everything we are all living things. Made up of the same organisms and the same DNA.

You may not agree with me and that's okay. You may not think that this applies to you, but if you truly think about it, it does.

Think of the person, group, or family that you thought of while reading this. Have you always been kind to them, even as a young child? But more than that -- will you, reader, forgive yourself, not for your sins, but for your mistakes, the things you regret? Show the people that you once hurt that you still love them. Imagine being in the shoes of the person you hate, and try to forgive them too.

People do stupid things. It's a part of nature. But if you "open your chakra", if you let go of what is brewing in your heart and eating you up inside, you might finally find peace.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."

Marianne Williamson wasn't kidding when she said that. It's something everyone can learn from and I feel it fits in with what I've been talking about. Our insecurities hold us back from making the world a better place. We are afraid to let ourselves be who we really are, show the world what wonderful things we can do. It is difficult for us to show kindness to one who we think outshines us. I know this is true, because I experience it all the time, even with friends. But it is NOT impossible to shine with them.

Reader, I'm not asking you to change the entire world on your own. I'm not asking you to change who you are. Your past will always affect who you are now and who you will be. But the next time you feel you have lost your way, remember this: if you can learn to let go of what is blocking you, and focus on doing what you think is right in whatever you pursue, there's no telling what amazing things you can accomplish.

When you let your light shine, others will do the same. With insecurities forgotten, you and everyone you affect can open up in your own way and banish the dark things that invade this earth like parasites. Liberated from your own fears and mistakes, you are able to permit love and understanding in your heart. As you grow others will too. Like a chain reaction.

You can affect change in this world. We are connected, like the elements. The illusion that we are separated has been drawn and redrawn for us a million times over. Our job now is to take that drawing and create something beautiful.

For beauty exists not only in your hands, reader, but in everyone's. Share it, and that beat up piece of paper will become a world masterpiece, something that we can share for generations to come.

There is still beauty and hope in this world. Let's open our hearts and our minds to it.

Fears, Faith, and the Unknown.

I've been thinking too much lately. About college, AP credits, how I'm going to handle my and Doran's relationship... I think that all this thinking is preventing me from getting better. I caught the stomach flu from my nephew on Wednesday when my mom and I were taking care of him, and I haven't gotten any better. I can't keep food down so I haven't eaten much. It sucks, really.

All of this thinking isn't doing me well either. But it's difficult to stop when I have nothing to distract me. I want friends over but I know my mother won't let me. I don't want to get anyone else sick either. And Doran is gone in SoCal to do his orientation at Pomona so he and I haven't been able to talk much today. He's going to be there until Saturday too. *sigh*

I know I shouldn't complain. But I need to get my thoughts down somewhere or I'll go insane. So I guess I'll just start ranting.. Think of it as a stream of consciousness.

I honestly don't think I'm ready for college. I mean, all of my life I have been so sure of the things around me. I know that a lot of it has changed over the years, but nothing as drastic as this. I feel kind of stupid though, because the college I'm going to is only a twenty minute drive from my house and I will have friends there that I know very well, but I'm still very afraid. The obvious fear for me is that Doran will be so far away and I have no idea what will happen.

He doesn't want me to worry but I really can't help it. We want to be together -- that much I know. So shouldn't it be easy from there? One would think so. But I always make things much more complicated than they should be, so our situation is kind of blown up in my head. He runs on faith while I seem to have none. I can't help that either though. I'm just so scared that if I completely put my soul into this that he'll fall in love with someone else and pull the carpet from under my feet. And it's a stupid fear too -- I totally get that. It's stupid to think that that would happen because it's almost been four years and it hasn't happened yet. Yet. How stupid am I? I'm like, making this all happen with my ignorance and stupidity.

Can't I see that he loves me? Can't I trust that he won't just drop me in a second? I hate myself for not being able to have faith in us. I hate myself for not being able to convince myself that nothing will happen and that we'll always be together. I mean, we talked about it Saturday and I told him that as long as I knew he was sure on us being together in the future that I would make it happen. Why can't I just leave it at that? Why must I continue to worry?

All my life I have worried myself over the unpredictable. Sure I made certain things happen when I wanted them to. But after that it's always just been a free ride. I went with the flow I guess. But somewhere along the line I lost that. I lost the ability to just trust someone with all my heart and enjoy the ride. Somehow I ended up seeing only the bad sides of situations, unable to open myself to the good that existed with what I had. The more that college looms over my head like a dark cloud (as I perceive it) the more I seem to lean toward a pessimistic side of me.

Somewhere along the line of my life I went from optimist to pessimist. Suddenly I could only see the glass half empty. And I ponder over the future way too much. I know this but I can't stop myself. Or, at least, I don't know how to stop myself. I think the reason for this is that I find a lot more assurance on my life when I hear the confidence that others have in me. When someone else tells me that I will make it, that I will survive these obstacles, I feel more okay with the world. Later on that goes away, of course, since my way of thinking doesn't agree with that.

And why is that? Why do I always have to look down on myself? I feel like I am so undeserving of praise, so pathetic to myself that I must be to other human beings. Obviously I don't like myself, which isn't exactly the best way to think. I don't think I'm strong, or intelligent, or witty, or funny, or fun to be around, or talented. I'm very critical of myself and though there are times when I am proud of myself they are very rare. The last time I can remember being proud of myself was when I made that lei for Doran, and the time before that was that solo I did for Doran at Becca's solo and ensemble concert.

I wonder... Does my only satisfaction of myself come from when I do something for Doran? Is it possible that I can only like myself if I give him my all? And if so, shouldn't I do it just to benefit us? What a strange possibility, if it's true. All the times I have been okay with myself have been in situations involving him. I mean, the only other time I remember being proud was when I wrote an assignment on Scarlet Letter for Mr. Coursey. And that was a very long time ago.

Anyway, apparently it seems that I am incapable of feeling good about myself for myself. I think that's partly because there are very few incidences when I feel as if I should be comfortable with myself. For example, I'm slowly learning that if I find clothing that fits me I'll look good in them. Other than that though, I haven't been learning much else.

So what's the real reason for my inability to have faith in my and Doran's relationship? Well, after this spiel I think it's because I don't have faith in myself. And you know, I think I've known this all along, but I've been unable to admit it to myself or to him. It sucks because he deserves to know.

All this unpredictability is really difficult to handle. I like things that are set in stone, that I can depend on. Some things I'm more sure of than others. Like I know that Danielle, Daniel, and I will still be the best of friends. I know that my parents will be there for me.

But with everything else there is always the "what if?" question. I know it upsets Doran that I worry so much about the "what if?" stuff. I don't know how to help it. Well, actually, I think I do. I think that once I can start having faith in myself and my abilities, and stop measuring myself against others, then everything else will just fall into place.

Because honestly, I have to have faith in myself to have faith in my and Doran's relationship. From there I can have faith in our future. College will be easier to handle, the distance between us easier to address. I'll be able to have fun while still getting things done. I'll be able to focus better on improving myself.

I can't do it by myself though. Or, rather, I can. I need to say that more. I need to tell myself that I CAN do things instead of not. I can make it through college while still staying with Doran. I will always be there to remind him that though I may be far away from him my heart is always his.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.