Passion

Do you know what you want in life?

This is what I have been thinking about today. Life is so short and we only have one – so what do we plan to do with it? Do you live every day to the fullest or hide in a shell?

Do you have that one goal you want to achieve? I think I know what mine is. I mean, the majority of us have planned out the rest of our lives, created goals to reach and things to accomplish before we die. So many of us don’t though. We don’t have a Bucket List or anything. We have a small idea of what we want but we’re so unsure about it that we don’t plan on anything really happening. We doubt that we have our whole future ahead of us. What if we die tomorrow? It’s a frightening prospect.

This is probably the reason why I’m so impatient about everything. I don’t trust that the future will always be there for me. So unpredictable and foggy – how am I supposed to know that the road is ahead when all I see is a thick mist blocking my view? There are so many things I want to experience that I feel like there isn’t enough time. I mean, seventeen years of my life have already passed and what have I been doing? Lazing about and going to school.

That’s another flaw I have (referring to my last post). I am SO incredibly lazy that I don’t do anything. I watch TV, stay up late, laze around, be a vegetable. Yet I want to learn to play guitar and ukulele, become a better singer and dancer, and learn as many new things as I can. I want to think deeply about everything. I want to get my name out there as someone who is not good at something, but great.

Honestly, I’m about as great as Patrick Star from Spongebob. I’m fantastic at lazing about doing nothing. And I want to be great at whatever I put my mind to. I know it will take work so I need to get off my lazy ass and do it. I don’t have enough passion to really do anything. I’m not even sure if my passion is singing. I’m still kind of finding myself, you know? Trying to figure out exactly what I want.

Despite this, I do know one thing. My biggest goal, my most important one, is to become a mother. Ever since my brother’s wife had her first child I have wanted to be a mom. I want to know what it feels like to create something so unbelievably beautiful, to be tied so immensely to another human being. Now I know this goal will happen eventually, so for now I can wait on it and experience everything else I want to experience. But that is my ultimate goal in life.

Other than that, everything else is simply small interests I have. I still want to be great at them and be passionate about them.

But I’m curious…

What exactly is it that you want in life, reader? What are your passions and goals that you would be willing to put your 10,000 hours into?

Flaws and Curve Balls

Sometimes, when life throws you curve balls, you just have to dodge them as best as you can. A lot of the time you find that you can get out of the way right before that ball hits you square in the face. But there are those incidents when you make a little mistake, just a minor flaw in your judgment that lets that ball get you. One smack in the face and you’ve got a black eye as a result. The stinging pain stays for longer than it needs to, your eye throbs horribly and that bruise just isn’t pretty. You’re pretty much left with a choice of showing off that shiner or wearing an eye patch trying to be a pathetic pirate.

And it’s only after you get hit that you start thinking about the causes. What mistake did you make somewhere along the line? Where did you go wrong? You have to think hard, which makes your eye throb more, and retrace your steps up until the moment the ball hit you. And when you realize that mistake you hate yourself for it because you know it was completely stupid and that any normal person wouldn’t have done it that way.

But you have to truly think properly to know that “normal” people experience stupid things like that all the time. Everyone has a flaw, even if they try to hide it in sugar-coated glory.

I have many flaws, but I figured out that my biggest one is doubt. I doubt almost everything when I shouldn’t. Part of it is because my mom would always tell me not to expect things to go the way I wanted them to. The other part is because of my own insecurities. Yet… though I know that I shouldn’t doubt certain things, I find I can’t help it. In other words, I doubt the things that do not deserve to be doubted.

I don’t really know how to remedy the situation. It takes a lot to convince myself of something once my mind has been set on the exact opposite. I only hope that with a little help I’ll be able to stop myself from doubting everything.