Abortion Rights

This article is based off my own opinions, supported by a few of the things I have read about abortion rights. In no way does this reflect the opinions of ANYONE ELSE.

I am Pro-Choice.

I can't understand why a cluster of cells in a woman's uterus has any right to life simply because that cluster has the potential of becoming a solid life form. That's like saying that a woman's egg and a man's sperm have a right to life and therefore shouldn't be "killed". It doesn't make any sense to me at all.

I also can't understand why Pro-Lifers believe that if abortions were legal, women would be having them left and right for ludicrous reasons. As far as I know, frivolous abortions don't exist, and if they do, they are few and far between. Most women who want abortions simply don't have the means of taking care of the child when its born, including women in poverty, rape victims, women subject to abuse from their partner, etc. Others know their baby won't survive outside the womb. But the problem for these women is that, because of the government (state governments included) and fierce Pro-Life lobbyists, they can't receive abortions unless undergoing shame-inducing tests or "invasive 'transvaginal sonomgrams".

For example, I watched a video where an angry father, whose baby, if born, would have no bladder or kidney. The Pro-Life advocates yelled at him and his wife for getting an abortion, trying to make them feel guilty and horrible, and he stepped up to the plate and fought back. I commend this father for doing what he thought was right, and I agree with him. No mother should have to get yelled at and trodden on on the worst day of her life.

I read some of the comments below the video, and one person's comment in particular caught my eye. The username "misscrackerjack" posted a comment saying that the couple should have had the baby anyway, and that there "could be some medical procedures" to save the baby's life.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. Does this person really believe that this couple should put themselves and their baby, if they did have it, through expensive, delicate medical procedures, for just a CHANCE at life, with no guarantee that the baby would live? Why in the world would they put the child through that?! I believe that the parents made the right decision in aborting the baby. Their child would have had little to no chance at life, and if it did, what would be the cost?

And I'm not just talking about medical expenses. The physical and emotional baggage that couple would have to carry if they had tried to get the baby to live after birth and it didn't make it... I can't even begin to imagine how that would feel.

Why not, instead of giving birth to children who might not live, we started adopting children whose parents have abandoned them? Why aren't Pro-Lifers doing that instead of making other people feel horrible about themselves? That would be something productive. Why not give those children a home? They need someone to love them and take care of them.

I'm actually thinking about doing it myself. I mean, I still plan on having my own child someday, but I know that there are children who need a family and I'm more than willing to take them into my home and give them one. Well, when I'm on my own two feet and have a job and a house and everything.

Anyway, I really think that Pro-Lifers need to do something more productive and beneficial to society than yelling at women who are getting abortions. I also don't appreciate the fact that they're shoving their opinion down the throats of everyone else. My belief is that if they don't like it then they can just avoid it. Stay away from women who are getting abortions. Stay away from abortion clinics.

Besides, whoever gave them the right to take control over what I do with my body? Or anyone else's for that matter?

No one, that's who.

Gay Marriage?

You know, one of the main arguments against gay marriage really confuses me. Whenever I watch the news or read articles about gay marriage there's always someone there to say that it would ruin the "sanctity of marriage."

Sanctity of marriage?? That is the weakest argument that anti-gay-marriage advocates can come up with. There is no such thing as sanctity of marriage. There's no way to preserve it if it doesn't exist. Oh I know you might think I'm a heathen or something who doesn't believe in God or the Bible or whatever (or maybe you're not thinking that at all, I would have no idea seeing as I can't read minds :D)

But here's my question, for those of you who do believe that legalizing gay marriage would ruin the "sanctity of marriage."

If there is such a thing as "sanctity of marriage" and we have to do everything to preserve it, why is there a such thing as divorce?

I read an personal essay by Scott Bidstrup that lists all of the arguments against gay marriage and the absurdities behind them. He poses questions that I'm sure that not many people think about (people on both sides of the argument). I like this essay because he doesn't attack the opposition, but instead takes their arguments and turns them upside down.

You guys should read it. But I have to go now. Job hunting :D

Ra ra ra a aaaaa

That title has absolutely nothing to do with what this post will be about, but I'm mean and want that song to get stuck in your head.

I'm currently in my philosophy classroom waiting for my teacher to get here and for class to start, and while I'm doing so I keep thinking about an article I read about Rush Limaugh bashing on the First Lady because of her diet and anti-obesity campaign.

Apparently, Rush Limbaugh decided to poke fun at Michelle Obama for her hypocrisy in her anti-obesity campaign. She'd been seen eating quite a lot of junk food, like hamburgers, sausage, pizza, and potatoes at various outings including the Super Bowl. Though she has said that she has never been an advocate of eliminating junk food completely, Rush Limbaugh still felt the need to talk about her waistline.

When I first read this article I felt a bit of anger for many reasons. One of the main reasons is that I don't particularly like Limbaugh or how he presents information. However, after seeing a few points of view from others who read the article, I have to say that I can't disagree with his hidden message. And that message is that Michelle Obama shouldn't be telling Americans what they can and can't eat without following her own rules. However, this is the first time I've heard about her "Let's Move" campaign, so I don't know her whole story either and cannot in good faith give an accurate report.

Maybe you can read the article yourself (link given above in the word: article) and give me your opinion on the subject. I'm always up for debate. For now, however, class is starting and I need to go.

Ode to Little Drops of Water

Ode to Little Drops of Water

O, little drops of water

Upon a bright green leaf,

Why do you judge a cautioned thought

Or unsettle a moment's relief?

You promised me an honest love

And a little TLC,

But all I met were false pretenses

And a chronic habit to deceive.

O, little drops of water

Upon a bright green leaf,

Why did you lie and send me hate,

And cause me so much grief?

I realized your promises

Were too bold for you to bear,

So I leave you now in all good haste

Without a moment to spare.

O, little drops of water

Upon a bright green leaf,

Before you judge a cautioned thought,

Please read this ode so brief.

My first LAN party.

I think this might be the first LAN party I've ever been to where I was actually somewhat involved. A group of my nerdiest friends came to Patrick's house to play WoW together. Daniel was having issues getting on so I went home and downloaded the game onto my computer, which took about two and a half hours. It was such a long wait, especially since I wanted to be back with friends. But once I was finished (after 1 in the morning) I immediately returned and handed over my beloved laptop to my friend in the hopes that he could get a better connection with it.

Unfortunately, there were so many people on Patrick's internet connection that he wasn't able to connect. Even now, as I type this, I'm on an unsecured network named "default". It's kind of crappy, but at least I have internet. But it's not enough to play WoW, since it takes up a lot of internet and this one doesn't have much.

So far, throughout this night, I've learned WoW terminology and even ran around on Patrick's character. But mostly I've been watching and talking to people. As the night goes on we start to lose our ability to hold sensible conversations. At around three or so, Greg mentioned something about going down to a place called "Booty Bay," to which I raised my eyebrow curiously, and it wasn't until I said something that he finally realized what he said. I'm not saying it's not an actual place, but the fact that it took him a while to understand what he said, and then to see him laugh until his face turned red, was quite hilarious.

Wren and James just recently returned from taking Adam home. I knew that Wren left and so I said hi to her, but I hadn't realized James went with her until he spoke. He wants me to start role playing with him again. I know I already role play a lot now, but I don't want to get into something long term and intense. Like, the role plays I'm in right now are only Harry Potter related and aren't very intense so it's pretty easy for me to write something.

Daniel is acting very fidgety since he has nothing to do but watch everyone else play. I feel kind of bad for him because he really wanted to play WoW with everyone, but no computer he tries to play on seems to let him. The internet is being really stupid. Our friends called it the "Daniel curse," which I don't think is a very good term for it. I can't really help out though, because even though my computer is connected to an internet, I can't connect to Patrick's internet. Still too many people even though a few of them aren't connected to it.

Doran went to sleep about twenty minutes ago, but I'm really worried about him. He told me he was feeling off and he watched this really strange Pink Floyd video having something to do with being numb... It was really strange and made me concerned for his mental health. But he told me he was okay and that all he needed was sleep. I'm still worried though.

Anyway, now I'm left at my own little table, typing this up and listening to friends talk about their WoW ventures while Daniel walks around aimlessly. I'm really tired but I don't want to sleep yet. I'm kind of sad, actually.

But I guess I'm finished with this blog now. Toodles.

Parties

So I'm sitting on Daniel's bed with a a bunch of other friends just kind of talking and having fun and whatnot. Nothing too serious, just teenagers doing what they do best -- f*** around. hahaha

Earlier was by far the weirdest part of this party. For some reason, Emily and Joel decided to switch clothing, and then everyone decided to do it to see if they could be each other. It was crazy. The whole thing started out as just us being silly, but then escalated into nothing short of epic. Becca, by far, was fantastic at being Daniel, while Rosie pretended to be me as she wore my dance jacket. She kept hugging Doran and he had this really uncomfortable look on his face that made me laugh hysterically. So effing hilarious.

Matt put on Kelly Rose's tank top, which was much too small, and rolled up his pant legs so that it looked like he was wearing short shorts. He is SO freakin' weird. Jon ended up in Doran's shirt, and he tried to imitate his deep voice but failed epically because he's a tenor and can't do bass. Karen was Megan, but apparently wasn't punching people enough. Megan was Jon, but had trouble making up witty/offensive remarks. Kelly Rose was Becca, and the actual Becca thought that she was doing a fairly good job. I was Paulie, but unfortunately I couldn't really play him as well because Matt was acting so incredibly retarded that I couldn't stop laughing.

As you can see, my friends and I are a very strange group of individuals. But at least the fun we have is better than going out and getting drunk with a bunch of strangers. Besides, we can remember what happened at these little events and parties and that's what makes them SO FREAKING AWESOME.

I mean, usually at the parties I go to, we stay up really late talking, playing videogames/board games/card games, reminiscing, just hanging out, etc. We can even spend time together while all or most of us are on computers. Like I am right now. Even as I type this, I'm half-listening to Doran's sister Aubeni retell a story about a magical talking snake to Doran who is apparently trying to marry a human girl which I'm completely NOT understanding. She says it was originally Becca's story.

Still not following. Haha.

Anyway, I think Doran is slowly losing his mind. You know, I wanted to write a blog with him because I thought it would be fun but I think that if we even tried it would end up being something totally crazy and no one would understand it.

Also, I think I'm going to stop writing this blog now since it's just... yeah.

Toodles.

Memories and Doran's writing style

I find that whenever I am bored with absolutely nothing to do but watch reruns of my favorite shows, I will go through old documents that I've written or have been written for me, just for old time's sake. It's endearing, really, to look back on fond memories, even when they're not in the form of written words. I like to remember the good ol' days, when life was fairly simple.

My favorite thing to do, though, is to read old documents Doran has sent me. My favorites are the one he sent me for my birthday, a "Who Am I?" essay he wrote for English one year, and a story he wrote about Halloween. Oh, and the other is a poem he wrote for our anniversary one year.

I have many reasons for liking these particular documents. One, all of them were for me or mentioned me (I'm so vain/selfish); two, he is a very good writer and he's really creative; and three, they were written by him. I love reading things he's written because he writes with a comedic twist, even when he's being serious. I can really picture what he writes. It's awesome.

I also love these documents because they're deep. Though he can write with hilarity, there's still the underlying emotion. Like the letter he wrote for me for my birthday -- some parts are quite funny, but it's so filled with love and care that I may only chuckle softly while reading. Or the poem he wrote for me: the first stanza of that basically says that his first impression of me was that I was deranged, but it's still filled with love too.

Haha I love how I started this out with looking back on fond memories and then it turned into how much I love the way Doran writes. Ah well, both are subjects I like to think about.

Now if only he would write more for me...

Death and Reincarnation

So I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and one of them was death. Not in the bad way or anything. I was just wondering what actually happens to a being's spirit once their body has finally given up.

First though, I want to think about that last dying moment. Right before you take your last breath, when your family is around you with tears in their eyes. I mean, what would you say to them? If you're in any situation, really, about to die; what do you say before you "leave this world"? I've honestly contemplated what I would say over a thousand times, but I've never fully set my mind on one thing. However, I have decided that no matter what happens, one of the last things I will say before I die will be "I love you, Doran."

What would you say, reader? Though it's not a very happy prospect you should think about it sometime. You don't want to waste your last moment saying something strange like, "cabbages!" or something. Then your family would be left trying to solve the mystery of that word.

Actually, that sounds kind of fun. Say something completely unrelated to anything just for the hell of it, and leave your family wondering. However, they might think you went insane just before you died. But I guess that's all part of the mystery!

Anyway, back to what I really wanted to talk about.

So I was thinking about what happens after death the other day, just kind of randomly since what I was doing wasn't related. (I was finding some food to eat in my house.) Now, some people believe that our spirits go to heaven where they find our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Others believe we meet up with God. Some spirits get lost in our world, unable to cross to the other side because of unfinished business.

Personally, I'd rather believe in reincarnation. Reincarnation basically means that after you die, you get born into something else. That's the gist of it at least. Honestly, though, it sounds a hell of a lot better than some of the other beliefs. I mean, I don't want just one life to live! Why should our spirits be bound to one lifetime and experience only a certain set of experiences? Why should we be confined to one perspective of life? I mean, think about it. If we were truly only allowed one life to live by God, the majority of us wouldn't be happy. What if our experience wasn't good? What if we didn't know we were supposed to make the most of what we had?

Reincarnation allows our spirits to experience so many things. When I was thinking about it, I imagined myself coming back to earth as an African child in poverty. How different my life would be from what I have now! I wondered if my spirit would remember this life; if, when I was a small child, I would recall memories of my previous parents. Would my parents then think me possessed? I don't know. Right now I only know the life I'm living.

I've believed in reincarnation almost all of my life. When I was younger, I would imagine thousands of spirits lined up at the pearly gates, waiting not for a meeting with God, but for their next life. I pictured an old soul standing near a podium type thing, assigning spirits to the next baby that would be born. Then those spirits would walk into the clouds and into their next life.

I guess that's a pretty silly way to think about it, but how else would it happen?

Besides, the other beliefs sound too depressing. So we die, go to heaven, and meet God. I know that's supposed to be the most divine thing we ever do, but once you meet God, then what? Do we just wander around heaven with nothing to do? How boring. I'd rather meet God a thousand times over than meet him once and never do anything again.

Or what about the people who believe that souls still wander the Earth? That sounds just as bad as the other one. We wander around, lost, lonely, still with unfinished business to take care of, unable to cross over. That's like living a life with no friends: you're invisible to the world but you still have to wait your turn to finish what you've started.

I think my least favorite is simply believing that there is no afterlife. We simply stop existing. Now that's just plain terrifying! There has to be SOMETHING that happens after we die. I can't imagine lying on my death bed, family around me or whatever, knowing that after this last breath I'm going nowhere. What about the saying, "Death is just the next big adventure"? If I believed there was nothing after death, I'd have nothing to look forward to!

This is why I think reincarnation is the perfect solution. Then death really would be the next big adventure. I wouldn't be confined to the earth, nor stuck wandering heaven. I'd stand in that huge line waiting for my next life and be indecently happy about it.

Just a random thought, but, what if heaven was one giant amusement park? That would be sick.

Oh oh, what if heaven was like that one book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven? Where, after we died, five people from our life would explain to us why we did the things we did and what the repercussions were. That would be very interesting and actually relieving, to tell the truth. If reincarnation didn't happen, I'd be fine with that as an alternative.

So reader, just a few questions to ask yourself (and tell me your opinions if you'd like): What will your last words be? Why would you say that instead of something else? What do you believe will happen to you after you die? Why do you believe that will happen?

I'm curious to hear your responses.

My Journey, Our Lesson

So I got sick last Friday, and I have to say that the journey from then to now has been an interesting one. You would think that being sick would make me sit around and do nothing, and you'd be right.

But you'd also be wrong.

For the last three days I have been watching Avatar: the Last Airbender. Now normally this isn't really anything special to talk about -- but what I learned from watching it is genuine. You'll think me crazy, but once you get past the plot and element bending you can really learn a lot.

As Aang travels from nation to nation, learning the various ways and traditions of bending the elements, he meets a lot of interesting people. Some of them are bad, some good, and some very wise. It is these wise people in the story that you really have to pay attention to. They're the ones that have the best lessons to learn from.

For example, in one episode, Aang meets up with a Guru in the Eastern Air Temple. This Guru teaches him how to open up his "chakra" -- centers of spiritual energy in the human body. He starts at the Root, the area of stability and strength. Then together they work their way up and open all the chakra in Aang's body so he can control the "Avatar State". Anyway, as they do this, the Guru explains each chakra and how to unlock it.

At the Earth (root) chakra, he says it is blocked by fear. He tells Aang to let go of what he's afraid of. Next is Water (sacral) chakra, the area of feelings and sexuality. To open that one up, Aang must let go of all his guilt. Third, the Fire (navel) chakra contains the willpower of a person. To unlock it he must let go of his shame. In the fourth, the Heart chakra (obviously for love), Aang must let go of his grief to open it. The fifth chakra, called the Sound (throat) chakra, deals with truth and for him to open it, he must admit the lies he has placed and accept who he is. Then he moves onto the sixth chakra, the Chakra of Light (third eye chakra). It deals with insight and intuition and is blocked by illusions. The final chakra is called the Thought (crown) chakra. This chakra deals with, you guessed it, thought! It's also concerned with wisdom and understanding the world and yourself. To unlock it, he has to let go of his attachments. In the episode it was supposed to let Aang enter the Avatar state whenever he wished.

Now, you probably read that and are thinking that I'm pretty much retarded for explaining all that. But forget my inserts of weirdness and actually read it. The chakra exist in each of us whether we believe in them or not. If you take what they stand for or what they mean, you can learn to help yourself. Think about it -- take your fears, guilt, shame, grief, lies, illusions, and attachments and let. them. go. Don't you think that if we allowed ourselves to let these things go, the world would be a better place? A place rid of hatred, racism, sexism, prejudice and misunderstanding. A world, a universe, filled with love, acceptance, understanding, friendship and so much more.

Isn't that what America was supposed to be about? Forget the controversy surrounding the Founding Fathers, forget our rocky relationship with Britain, think about what the essence of this country is supposed to be. We are supposed to be the land of the free. But take a good look, everyone.

What do you see?

I see greed, corruption, out-sourcing, hatred, confusion, people losing homes, families forced to break up, hunger rampaging through third world countries, politicians arguing, cultures dying, big businesses controlling the people, human beings dying for a lost cause, war, recession; I see racism, reverse racism, sexism, prejudice, oil leaks, blame, shame, regret, remorse, grief, helplessness, hopelessness, people who are lost, those who have lost everything, homeless, the ones forgotten, the ones left to die... I see a world slowly dying because of all these things.

And yet...

I also see the potential for greatness. I see good people, families holding together despite everything they have been through; I see community, friendship, understanding, acceptance, discipline, restraint, compassion, empathy, open arms, reunions, embraces, hope, those willing to help, the ones who haven't forgotten the ones who believe they are forgotten. I see culture, bonds forming, those reaching out a helping hand, others who help when they can, survival, togetherness, resourcefulness...

But more than that I see life and I see love.

We are not separated from each other as much as we think we are. Even this silly show, that at first glance looks childish, holds a valuable life lesson: "Everyone is part of One People, yet we live as separate people. Even the Separation of the Four Elements is an illusion; four parts of the same whole." We are a whole world. We may be different, but it is these differences, these rifts between us, that also unify us. At the base of everything we are all living things. Made up of the same organisms and the same DNA.

You may not agree with me and that's okay. You may not think that this applies to you, but if you truly think about it, it does.

Think of the person, group, or family that you thought of while reading this. Have you always been kind to them, even as a young child? But more than that -- will you, reader, forgive yourself, not for your sins, but for your mistakes, the things you regret? Show the people that you once hurt that you still love them. Imagine being in the shoes of the person you hate, and try to forgive them too.

People do stupid things. It's a part of nature. But if you "open your chakra", if you let go of what is brewing in your heart and eating you up inside, you might finally find peace.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."

Marianne Williamson wasn't kidding when she said that. It's something everyone can learn from and I feel it fits in with what I've been talking about. Our insecurities hold us back from making the world a better place. We are afraid to let ourselves be who we really are, show the world what wonderful things we can do. It is difficult for us to show kindness to one who we think outshines us. I know this is true, because I experience it all the time, even with friends. But it is NOT impossible to shine with them.

Reader, I'm not asking you to change the entire world on your own. I'm not asking you to change who you are. Your past will always affect who you are now and who you will be. But the next time you feel you have lost your way, remember this: if you can learn to let go of what is blocking you, and focus on doing what you think is right in whatever you pursue, there's no telling what amazing things you can accomplish.

When you let your light shine, others will do the same. With insecurities forgotten, you and everyone you affect can open up in your own way and banish the dark things that invade this earth like parasites. Liberated from your own fears and mistakes, you are able to permit love and understanding in your heart. As you grow others will too. Like a chain reaction.

You can affect change in this world. We are connected, like the elements. The illusion that we are separated has been drawn and redrawn for us a million times over. Our job now is to take that drawing and create something beautiful.

For beauty exists not only in your hands, reader, but in everyone's. Share it, and that beat up piece of paper will become a world masterpiece, something that we can share for generations to come.

There is still beauty and hope in this world. Let's open our hearts and our minds to it.

Fears, Faith, and the Unknown.

I've been thinking too much lately. About college, AP credits, how I'm going to handle my and Doran's relationship... I think that all this thinking is preventing me from getting better. I caught the stomach flu from my nephew on Wednesday when my mom and I were taking care of him, and I haven't gotten any better. I can't keep food down so I haven't eaten much. It sucks, really.

All of this thinking isn't doing me well either. But it's difficult to stop when I have nothing to distract me. I want friends over but I know my mother won't let me. I don't want to get anyone else sick either. And Doran is gone in SoCal to do his orientation at Pomona so he and I haven't been able to talk much today. He's going to be there until Saturday too. *sigh*

I know I shouldn't complain. But I need to get my thoughts down somewhere or I'll go insane. So I guess I'll just start ranting.. Think of it as a stream of consciousness.

I honestly don't think I'm ready for college. I mean, all of my life I have been so sure of the things around me. I know that a lot of it has changed over the years, but nothing as drastic as this. I feel kind of stupid though, because the college I'm going to is only a twenty minute drive from my house and I will have friends there that I know very well, but I'm still very afraid. The obvious fear for me is that Doran will be so far away and I have no idea what will happen.

He doesn't want me to worry but I really can't help it. We want to be together -- that much I know. So shouldn't it be easy from there? One would think so. But I always make things much more complicated than they should be, so our situation is kind of blown up in my head. He runs on faith while I seem to have none. I can't help that either though. I'm just so scared that if I completely put my soul into this that he'll fall in love with someone else and pull the carpet from under my feet. And it's a stupid fear too -- I totally get that. It's stupid to think that that would happen because it's almost been four years and it hasn't happened yet. Yet. How stupid am I? I'm like, making this all happen with my ignorance and stupidity.

Can't I see that he loves me? Can't I trust that he won't just drop me in a second? I hate myself for not being able to have faith in us. I hate myself for not being able to convince myself that nothing will happen and that we'll always be together. I mean, we talked about it Saturday and I told him that as long as I knew he was sure on us being together in the future that I would make it happen. Why can't I just leave it at that? Why must I continue to worry?

All my life I have worried myself over the unpredictable. Sure I made certain things happen when I wanted them to. But after that it's always just been a free ride. I went with the flow I guess. But somewhere along the line I lost that. I lost the ability to just trust someone with all my heart and enjoy the ride. Somehow I ended up seeing only the bad sides of situations, unable to open myself to the good that existed with what I had. The more that college looms over my head like a dark cloud (as I perceive it) the more I seem to lean toward a pessimistic side of me.

Somewhere along the line of my life I went from optimist to pessimist. Suddenly I could only see the glass half empty. And I ponder over the future way too much. I know this but I can't stop myself. Or, at least, I don't know how to stop myself. I think the reason for this is that I find a lot more assurance on my life when I hear the confidence that others have in me. When someone else tells me that I will make it, that I will survive these obstacles, I feel more okay with the world. Later on that goes away, of course, since my way of thinking doesn't agree with that.

And why is that? Why do I always have to look down on myself? I feel like I am so undeserving of praise, so pathetic to myself that I must be to other human beings. Obviously I don't like myself, which isn't exactly the best way to think. I don't think I'm strong, or intelligent, or witty, or funny, or fun to be around, or talented. I'm very critical of myself and though there are times when I am proud of myself they are very rare. The last time I can remember being proud of myself was when I made that lei for Doran, and the time before that was that solo I did for Doran at Becca's solo and ensemble concert.

I wonder... Does my only satisfaction of myself come from when I do something for Doran? Is it possible that I can only like myself if I give him my all? And if so, shouldn't I do it just to benefit us? What a strange possibility, if it's true. All the times I have been okay with myself have been in situations involving him. I mean, the only other time I remember being proud was when I wrote an assignment on Scarlet Letter for Mr. Coursey. And that was a very long time ago.

Anyway, apparently it seems that I am incapable of feeling good about myself for myself. I think that's partly because there are very few incidences when I feel as if I should be comfortable with myself. For example, I'm slowly learning that if I find clothing that fits me I'll look good in them. Other than that though, I haven't been learning much else.

So what's the real reason for my inability to have faith in my and Doran's relationship? Well, after this spiel I think it's because I don't have faith in myself. And you know, I think I've known this all along, but I've been unable to admit it to myself or to him. It sucks because he deserves to know.

All this unpredictability is really difficult to handle. I like things that are set in stone, that I can depend on. Some things I'm more sure of than others. Like I know that Danielle, Daniel, and I will still be the best of friends. I know that my parents will be there for me.

But with everything else there is always the "what if?" question. I know it upsets Doran that I worry so much about the "what if?" stuff. I don't know how to help it. Well, actually, I think I do. I think that once I can start having faith in myself and my abilities, and stop measuring myself against others, then everything else will just fall into place.

Because honestly, I have to have faith in myself to have faith in my and Doran's relationship. From there I can have faith in our future. College will be easier to handle, the distance between us easier to address. I'll be able to have fun while still getting things done. I'll be able to focus better on improving myself.

I can't do it by myself though. Or, rather, I can. I need to say that more. I need to tell myself that I CAN do things instead of not. I can make it through college while still staying with Doran. I will always be there to remind him that though I may be far away from him my heart is always his.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Passion

Do you know what you want in life?

This is what I have been thinking about today. Life is so short and we only have one – so what do we plan to do with it? Do you live every day to the fullest or hide in a shell?

Do you have that one goal you want to achieve? I think I know what mine is. I mean, the majority of us have planned out the rest of our lives, created goals to reach and things to accomplish before we die. So many of us don’t though. We don’t have a Bucket List or anything. We have a small idea of what we want but we’re so unsure about it that we don’t plan on anything really happening. We doubt that we have our whole future ahead of us. What if we die tomorrow? It’s a frightening prospect.

This is probably the reason why I’m so impatient about everything. I don’t trust that the future will always be there for me. So unpredictable and foggy – how am I supposed to know that the road is ahead when all I see is a thick mist blocking my view? There are so many things I want to experience that I feel like there isn’t enough time. I mean, seventeen years of my life have already passed and what have I been doing? Lazing about and going to school.

That’s another flaw I have (referring to my last post). I am SO incredibly lazy that I don’t do anything. I watch TV, stay up late, laze around, be a vegetable. Yet I want to learn to play guitar and ukulele, become a better singer and dancer, and learn as many new things as I can. I want to think deeply about everything. I want to get my name out there as someone who is not good at something, but great.

Honestly, I’m about as great as Patrick Star from Spongebob. I’m fantastic at lazing about doing nothing. And I want to be great at whatever I put my mind to. I know it will take work so I need to get off my lazy ass and do it. I don’t have enough passion to really do anything. I’m not even sure if my passion is singing. I’m still kind of finding myself, you know? Trying to figure out exactly what I want.

Despite this, I do know one thing. My biggest goal, my most important one, is to become a mother. Ever since my brother’s wife had her first child I have wanted to be a mom. I want to know what it feels like to create something so unbelievably beautiful, to be tied so immensely to another human being. Now I know this goal will happen eventually, so for now I can wait on it and experience everything else I want to experience. But that is my ultimate goal in life.

Other than that, everything else is simply small interests I have. I still want to be great at them and be passionate about them.

But I’m curious…

What exactly is it that you want in life, reader? What are your passions and goals that you would be willing to put your 10,000 hours into?

Flaws and Curve Balls

Sometimes, when life throws you curve balls, you just have to dodge them as best as you can. A lot of the time you find that you can get out of the way right before that ball hits you square in the face. But there are those incidents when you make a little mistake, just a minor flaw in your judgment that lets that ball get you. One smack in the face and you’ve got a black eye as a result. The stinging pain stays for longer than it needs to, your eye throbs horribly and that bruise just isn’t pretty. You’re pretty much left with a choice of showing off that shiner or wearing an eye patch trying to be a pathetic pirate.

And it’s only after you get hit that you start thinking about the causes. What mistake did you make somewhere along the line? Where did you go wrong? You have to think hard, which makes your eye throb more, and retrace your steps up until the moment the ball hit you. And when you realize that mistake you hate yourself for it because you know it was completely stupid and that any normal person wouldn’t have done it that way.

But you have to truly think properly to know that “normal” people experience stupid things like that all the time. Everyone has a flaw, even if they try to hide it in sugar-coated glory.

I have many flaws, but I figured out that my biggest one is doubt. I doubt almost everything when I shouldn’t. Part of it is because my mom would always tell me not to expect things to go the way I wanted them to. The other part is because of my own insecurities. Yet… though I know that I shouldn’t doubt certain things, I find I can’t help it. In other words, I doubt the things that do not deserve to be doubted.

I don’t really know how to remedy the situation. It takes a lot to convince myself of something once my mind has been set on the exact opposite. I only hope that with a little help I’ll be able to stop myself from doubting everything.

IT'S OVER!!!

OH MY GOD MY TWO WEEKS OF HELL IS OVER!!! I'm so happy that I made it through, because now my stress level has decreased SO much. Also, I haven't slept so much in so long! Saturday I took a four hour nap and still went to sleep around midnight. Sunday I woke up at eight, stayed up for about two hours, then fell back asleep until after two in the afternoon. I stayed home from school today to keep catching up on sleep.

It's nice to feel so well rested. Also, it's been raining like crazy outside and I would much rather be inside all nice and cozy warm. I just realized.. I should probably make a list of things that I have done and still have to do because it'll make life easier for me.

To Do List
1. Senior Project Presentation/Done
2. English Final/Done
3. History Final/Done
4. AP Calculus Exam/Done
5. AP English Exam/Done
6. AP History Exam/Done
7. "Prom" Rally/Done
8. Biology Final/Done
9. Calculus Final/Done
10. GRADUATION!!!!/DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, there's my list. So far I have a little over half of the things I need to do finished. Anyway, the TV continues to distract me, so sorry if this post is too short and too confusing. Toodles.

So I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about a few things for a while, and I decided that blogging about my musings might enlighten the rest of you who read my posts. Now, those of you that DO read, please do NOT quote me on any of this, because my opinions are most likely going to change as I grow older and wiser.

So here are my topics: 1. First kisses, 2. Trichotillomania (don't worry, I'll define it), and 3. Sexuality.

1. First kisses

So first kisses, from a girl's point of view, are supposed to be the most romantic, like how actors do it in romance movies. In a generalized fashion, I'd say girls would want their guy to look them in the eyes, push a strand of their hair out of their face, and slowly bring their faces together, with a kiss that starts out softly and maybe progresses into something like making out. This is what I perceive to be the general dream that girls have.

Unfortunately for most girls, that dream dies when they have their first kiss. It's nothing like they pictured it to be -- in fact it's much worse to them. Their first kiss is awkward, strange, and confusing. Awkward because the guy (if it's his first too) doesn't know what he's doing, strange because they don't kiss like the girl sees the actor do, and confusing because they don't know how they feel about it afterward.

Sorry to burst your bubbles, girls, but your first kiss will ALWAYS be awkward. It will be nothing like the movies you've seen. But you know what? BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! Sure it's awkward and weird and everything the day it happens, but when you get older and look back on it you'll be able to just laugh about it. I laugh about mine whenever I think about it.

My first kiss was a wet one and even though I felt grossed out back then I just laugh now. My first kiss with Doran was awkward because I made it awkward, and even though I regret saying the things I did right before the kiss, I still loved it. When I play the memory in my head, trying to think of how it could have gone differently, I draw a blank. My and Doran's first kiss together was a perfect representation of our personalities and I will never forget it.

So next time you think about your first kiss, whether you're a boy, girl, or haven't had one yet, just remember that it will most likely be awkward, strange, and confusing BUT later on you might find you'll be glad it happened the way it did.


2. Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania (trich) is defined as "hair loss from a patient's repetitive self-pulling of hair" and is characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair, sometimes resulting in noticeable bald patches (from Wikipedia web result).

Now you're probably wondering why I have this as one of my topics today. Well, I'm writing about it because I have it. I've had trich since I was in fourth grade, and I remember the day I got it. I was walking with my classmates back to our room and I found an eyelash on her cheek. She put it on her finger for a second, closed her eyes, and then blew it away. When I asked her what she did, she said that if an eyelash fell out you could make a wish and blow it away and it would come true. It was then that I started pulling at my eyelashes, despite her attempts to tell me that it only worked if they fell out on their own.

I always thought I was alone with this problem. Until this past weekend, when I finally decided to search it up on Google. Then I discovered that what I did actually had a name, and that there were thousands of other people who had the same problem. I felt a huge relief when I found out.

I have always hated having trich. I pull out my eyelashes and my eyebrows and I've never been able to completely stop myself. I usually do it more when I'm stressed or anxious. I guess I've kept doing it not just out of habit, but because I already hate my appearance. I know my friends would disagree with me and tell me they've never even noticed that I have/do it. But I know they do. In fact, just last weekend when Daniel went over to Doran's house to get help on math, I was pulling at my eyebrows, and Doran's sister, Aubeni, saw me. She said something about it too, totally nonchalant and in no attack against me, but the fact that she noticed really hit me.

And yet I STILL can't stop myself. I absolutely hate it, which makes me do it more, and it's just an endless cycle. But I needed to tell people about it, to get it out there, in a vain attempt to help myself.


3. Sexuality

Now this one I'm not entirely sure how to go about. I was thinking about first kisses on the way home, and it made me think of sexuality. I've been back and forth on this for a long time, since the whole debate about whether or not being straight/lesbian/gay/bisexual is a choice. I'm not going to go into it, but I feel like maybe it could be.

So I started thinking about my own sexuality, and I wonder if all of the things I do at school (which my friends know about and which I will not repeat here) mean I'm bisexual but I don't know it yet. A lot of you will scoff at me or think I'm being retarded, but I'm trying to be serious. But I definitely need to think more deeply on it before I say anything. I'm just wondering if it's a possibility at this point.

I'm also curious, if I DID discover I was bisexual, what Doran would think about it. I wonder what he would say or how he would feel. *shrug* Just a thought.

Anyways, that's the end of my musings. Post your thoughts on any or all of the three sections. Toodles.

My two weeks of hell

Starts tomorrow.

Wish me luck.


...



Let the games begin.

Bad Dream

I had kind of a bad dream last night and early this morning. Amidst the normal convoluted stuff that was going on, I was trying to have fun with Doran...but he pushed me away and just left. The funny thing was that when he pushed me away I didn't even think anything of it -- it felt like it was a normal thing that was happening. But after he left I felt completely dejected, and though I tried to search for love from others that were there, none of them would love me in return either.

I'd never felt so alone in a dream before. And now as I sit here trying to relax I feel like bits and pieces of me are falling apart, like I'm crumbling under stress or something.

Actually, there was another part of my dream that really captures how I'm feeling. It's a little difficult to describe, but I'll try my best.

I was an observer during this scene, and around me the setting was of an Egyptian city. I didn't know who the people were, but they were all dressed in Egyptian type clothing as well. I remember there were three people to my right who appeared to be either of royalty or high standing, and to my left there was a commoner who I believe had either stolen something or was a pariah. He cowered beneath the might of the other three people, who I realized were actually gifted in magical arts. The center one uttered a curse, and there was this purple smog that exited his mouth and went past me to the man on my left.

It was here that my point of view changed. I ended up becoming the man, and I saw the purple smog coming towards me. Then my view changed back to where I was before, and I saw the smog enter the man's body. It was by far the most screwed up thing I have ever seen.

After the smog entered his body, large chunks of his body just started falling off of him. His skin ripped off, exposing the muscle underneath, and at some points he even ripped it off himself. His screams of excruciating pain were so unbearable and yet I couldn't take my eyes off him. And it kept happening too! His limbs would grow back,the skin would reappear, and then it would all start falling off again. His arms would fall to the ground, he would rip the skin off his chest as if it was wet pieces of paper.

I stood there horrified, watching it happen. Then the point of view changed and I was one of the magician people, and to them, he was simply on the ground screaming. Nothing bad was happening to him. I was still in shock, and I uttered a counter-curse to save him. After that he simply lay on the ground panting and shuddering.

It probably doesn't sound as extreme from the way I described it. But I saw it in full detail in my dream and I don't think I'll be able to get that image out of my head. But I feel like it's a good representation of what I'm feeling right now.

I need to rest for a little.. Toodles.

STRESS & GRADUATION OH MY GOD

I think I might die from the level of stress now currently on my shoulders. I'm going to be graduating in a month and a half, and the next two weeks are going to be filled with preparing for Senior Project Presentations, homework, testing, and finals. The anxiety filling my stomach is making me sick and I consistently feel like screaming. At the same time, I have to balance out those feelings with an intense focus on my homework, so I don't let Senioritis plague me. It came for one week before I quelled it with what might I had, so that it wouldn't come back again.

The problem now is that my classes have gotten so repetitive. That seems to be a theme for me this week. For example, during English, three minutes seemed like fifteen. The closer we get to AP Testing the more my classes focus on preparing. I have four AP classes (five if you count third block of core) and I only have six classes. And choir isn't getting any more interesting because we keep working on the same exact pieces of music over and over again, trying to clean them up and get our pronunciation/enunciation down pat. Even dance has gotten boring, because we continuously go over the same dance, cleaning it up, making moves sharper and bigger, etc.

I feel I'm on an endless cycle, only the closer it gets to graduation the more that cycle starts to unravel and reality sets in. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but it's so difficult when I keep thinking about the future... I mean, I just had to read all of the Housing Regulations and stuff for SSU today so my dad could make the first payment on my dorm.

I'm absolutely terrified of going off to college and leaving all of my friends behind. I don't feel I'm ready to start my life on my own. And yet the excitement of being away from parents and being able to make my own decisions without some type of guidance makes me want graduation to come faster. Right now... I just want time to stand still so I can take a deep breath, let myself relax, and get my priorities reorganized.

Life isn't letting me have that little moment though, so I have to make do. Thank God for TV... Though it's a huge distraction it helps me relax. Now I wonder if I should work on chapter twenty seven notes or just enjoy the night.

While working on notes would be useful, enjoying the night sounds much more appealing. Well, I'll decide later. Toodles.

Ugh

I feel like crap. I'm exhausted, tired, and my brain is slowly shutting down, like an old apple computer. I'm going to pretend it's still April 19th for the sake of this post.

I've pretty much felt like crap all day. It started last night, after Doran went to bed. The stuff we talked about really got me thinking, and though I'm not going to repeat everything we said, I will say that I pretty much felt dejected.

Now none of this is his fault -- I take the blame because I overreact often to little things he says. But sometimes what he tells me really gets me thinking.

Our conversation was mainly about what we do when we're together, and I realized that I'm really repetitive. I don't feel like I'm spontaneous like I used to be, though Doran tells me that I'm the most spontaneous person he knows. I feel like I'm just doing the same old thing over and over again, with nothing new to spice things up. He tells me that's not true, but I can't help but feel it now.

The real problem with this is that these feelings are just festering inside me and I'm making it worse than it ought to be. It's affecting my perception of things that previously wouldn't bother me as much.

Like tonight, when we were talking on Skype. All Doran wanted was to go to bed after he had finished homework (and it was after midnight by then) and I instantly started thinking about what we talked about last night. The way he said he just wanted sleep made me think that he's... well, that he's bored of me. What he told me last night had the same tone too.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I hate myself for thinking these things, and for taking things further than they need to be. And though he repeatedly tells me that what I'm thinking isn't true, I can't get over it. I guess you could say I don't believe him, which is partially true, but I also know that it's my own faulty way of looking at things.

See, this is what happens when I'm allowed to think for long periods of time -- I start to fester on every little detail, and I make myself believe it's a fault on my part. And even though I know this I still can't help but do it.

God, I'm not even making sense anymore. It's so freaking late too and I didn't even finish Leslie's notes. >.<

I hope you're somehow getting the gist of what I'm trying to say. And if not, basically I feel like Doran is bored of me -- to what extent, I don't know.

I guess I'm just being dumb again... I'm going to bed now.. Toodles.

Prom!!! Part 2

So I remembered some things about Prom last night while I was talking to Doran on the phone. I decided that I might as well mention them in a separate post since I doubt anyone will go and read the last one all over again.

So I described the girls' dresses, but I didn't describe the guys' suits. Doran wore a blue suit with, oh my gosh, an ORANGE tie! His boutonniere was white with an orange ribbon. He looked quite handsome in my opinion. Henrik wore a black suit with a black tie and his boutonniere was a purple flower. Daniel wore a black suit with a shiny blue vest, black tie, and white boutonniere. Kai wore a black suit with a blue shirt, black bow tie, and a white boutonniere.

Now I have to say, Jon was dressed the best. He had a white suit with black pinstripes to go along with the theme of Prom, A Stop in Time. He had a black shirt underneath with a blue tie that actually matched Daniel's vest and he had a white boutonniere. He also had black and white shoes that were hella sick.

So like I said, the theme of prom was A Stop in Time. The only problem with that theme was that NO ONE knew what it meant! The people who came up with it didn't specify exactly what time period we were stopping in. And, as always, no one even tried to follow the theme. Well, scratch that, a couple people did. Cameron actually came with a top hat and cane and I gave him a hug for that.

After the dance Daniel and I were talking and he came up with a really good point about girls and their dresses. He said that the girls who wear the really short dresses are the ones most likely to freak dance and that the girls who wear the long gowns aren't. Now, both of us know that's not true for everyone, but it was a pretty good observation.

Okay now I'm drawing blanks again... I guess I'll just add more onto this post since it's shorter. But later. Toodles.

Prom!!!!

So my friends are sitting next to me getting pissed because I'm blogging and they want me to eat food with them but I don't care because I'm going to write about how awesome Prom was last night.

Becca says hi everyone. And Megan says she's queen because they rigged the voting system. Stupid preps. Anyway.

Last night was absolutely fantastic. Well, actually, all of yesterday was. Doran came over around one in the afternoon and we spent all day together just hanging out and stuff. Then around four thirty we started getting ready for Prom, though we were really cutting it close because we had to be at Becca's at 6:15. We were only like ten minutes late. But anyways..

This is the dress I wore to prom. I have fair skin so I actually pulled off the look. Also, my mom curled my hair and I wore neutral colored makeup. My shoes were silver. I thought I looked fabulous and all of my friends did too, and that really helped boost up my self-esteem.

Oh my gosh, you should have seen all of the pretty dress my friends were wearing. Becca, our prom queen nominee, wore a deep purple dress that hugged her curves and her hair was pulled back into a stylish bun. She also had black elbow length gloves and purple eyeshadow. She looked stunning. Megan wore a flow-y knee length green dress with ties in the back, black gloves, and a little hair band decoration in her hair. She had a floral shawl too, which completed the look. Raina wore a dark purple ankle length strapless dress that hugged her body with a purple floral pin at the top. Her hair was pulled back into a stylish braid that took over twenty bobby pins to hold in. My other friend Megan wore a bright blue strapless gown with a sparkle design on the torso with ties in the back and her hair up in a curly bun. Emily wore a dark blue dress with long pieces of cloth sewn into the back that could either be part of a shawl or just flow-y decorations. Her hair was curled a little and some of it pinned up.

I have to say that all of us looked extremely fantastic. We all thought it was funny that I was the only one wearing orange. I stood out. Haha.

Okay, so after Doran and I got ready (he had a matching orange tie ^.^) we left for Becca's house and got there a little late. We took group photos with everyone and I got a lot of compliments on my dress. I honestly felt like a princess. Then after photos we headed over to Olive Garden where we were supposed to eat, but once we arrived they told us there would be an hour wait. None of us wanted to wait that long so we all decided to go to In and Out (which is so much better in my opinion) and everyone there looked at us with incredulous expressions because they had no idea why such nicely dressed people were at a fast food restaurant.

But we ate dinner there anyways, and we took tons of pictures and even got the workers to take one with us. It was so much fun and we had a blast just hanging out and talking and having fun with each other. At one point Jon stood up and raised his cup for a toast, and we all did the same. Thinking about it now kind of makes me nostalgic for the good ol' days, when we didn't have to think about college or graduation or leaving our friends. Life has passed by so quickly that it's hard to keep up with everything going on.

But anyways, after we all ate we headed over to the Santa Rosa Hyatt Vineyard Hotel where prom was at. I love it there because it's so beautiful. We got through all the security stuff and I found out that there was one other girl there who was wearing the EXACT SAME DRESS as me. I tried not to be surprised about it because I bought it at JC Penny's so there was bound to be someone else wearing it too, but I was still a little sad. Though I have to say (and my friends agree) I pulled it off a lot better. I don't want to be vain, though I guess I already am. Haha. Oh well.

The first thing Doran and I did after getting through security was get our pictures taken. I told him that it would be better to do it sooner than later, because later we would all be sweaty and gross. So we waited in a medium-long line and the photographer posed us. I can't wait to get the photos and see what we look like. ^.^

After pictures were through we voted for Becca for prom queen and Cameron for prom king and then headed into the dance room. Our friends were all surrounding a circular table near the food, so I pulled him over there. Throughout all of this we came across quite a few of my friends, who I made spin around for me to show me their dresses. Everyone looked really fantastic. There were a couple of people wearing orange dresses and a lot of red. One person I saw wore white, but the main colors were blue, red, and black.

Unfortunately, this year Doran and I didn't dance so much. We did dance to every slow song, which were actually my favorite ones. At one point Jon started a party boy line, similar to conga line, and he led everyone around the room. The bad part about that was that Doran accidentally spilled his drink all over the floor and the whole line came crashing through the spilled ice and soda. Both of us were like, "NNOOO GO THE OTHER WAYYY" but no one heard us. The workers cleaned up fast though.

Oh, so the food they had was delicious. It was all dessert food, but they had apple slices, kind of parfaits, graham crackers, pretzels, pineapple slices, strawberries, marshmallows, wafers, chocolates, cantaloupe slices, cupcakes, and best of all, a chocolate fountain. I tried to stay away from that because I knew if I tasted it I wouldn't stop eating it. So I stuck to eating apple slices, which were actually really delicious. For drinks they had a variety of Shirley Temples, water, and some sodas, like orange Fanta, Pepsi, Coke, and I think root beer. The Shirley Temples were soooo good.

Okay back to the party. So my friends and I mostly stayed away from the dance floor because it was just a giant mosh pit and we didn't want to get crushed in the throng of people. Though at one point the DJ announced that there would be swing songs playing, so after the floor cleared my friends and I invaded and did the Charleston (which I seriously don't know how to dance) and then we did a bunch of swing dances. When the fast song came on Jon grabbed Megan and they started showing off their moves, doing flips and dips and the like. It was actually pretty cool.

After the swing dancing most of us went out into the lobby section to get some air. I was talking to Brenda and Anthony and Anthony was sweating like a dog so I grabbed some napkins on a table nearby and started wiping his face. He turned a little red at that but I told him he needed it. Then I dragged Doran back inside to go sit down because he kept telling me his legs were hurting. We talked for a little, while the music vibrated throughout our bodies.

That was one thing I didn't like about the prom. The music was pretty much all the same. It consisted of a very loud, thumping bass with a little bit of actual music in the background. Like Unce music, really. They did play a few good songs though, including the swing songs and a couple from dance I knew. That was really fun, when they played like Single Ladies and Day n Night. I actually did the choreography from the Dance Team in my gown.

Oh, and then they had a Thriller competition! The DJ played Thriller and said that anyone who could do the whole dance would win two tickets to a rap concert. The funny thing is that Becca won and she isn't really into that kind of music. But she did the Thriller dance very well. Marisa won too, doing the routine from dance. It was fantastic.

Unfortunately, Becca didn't win title of Prom Queen. Instead this couple won, which pissed me off because that always rigs the voting system. Everyone I know wanted Becca to win. Stupid popular people.. And apparently this couple had been together since freshman year, which really pissed me off because so have Doran and I and it just seems stupid that that's how they vote. It's like, what the hell? But whatever.

After the swing dancing was finished and Becca won the Thriller dance, we all headed back to our dance corner by the food table. We started a like, tribal dance in this corner and a table of preps nearby kept looking at us like, "What the hell?" but the great thing was that none of us cared. We were dancing around in a circle really crazily and at one point I got in the middle and spun around dancing while everyone else grabbed hands and started rotating the opposite direction. It was so fun!! And even Doran got in on it.

God, I just realized this post must be extremely long. I'm sorry to those of you taking the time to read this, I got so into the details!! I can't help it, I just want to get everything documented..

But to continue.

I must have left Doran stranded so many times last night. It was only after I was finished getting to my destination that I realized I'd left him behind. So I had to maneuver back through the crowd to find him, and when I did I grabbed his hand and pulled him back. The few times we danced together were really fun.

Oh my gosh, so during one of the times Doran and I were on the dance floor together my friends Paulie and Kelly Rose were right behind me dancing too. Doran and I were facing each other and Paulie and Kelly Rose were facing each other, so Paulie and I were back to back. Now both of us were dancing a lot and our butts kept hitting each other and I was like "What the hell is going on?" and Paulie, at the same time, was thinking it was a competition. After about a minute I had to stop and turn around laughing at him because it was so awkward and weird. But thinking about it now makes me laugh out loud. What made it funnier was that neither Doran nor Kelly Rose knew about it until afterward.

Oh I remember that when Doran and I were at the front near the DJ's stage we were dancing together (while getting stuck in the mob) and some guy approached a girl behind me and asked her to dance. She told him sure and they started freaking right there and after the song was over he left. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I don't think they even knew each other and yet they danced like that! It was just.. incredulous to me. But I guess that's high school...

After about two hours of partying with my friends, and still having an hour before Prom ended, we were all pretty much beat. Doran and I just sat down together talking a little and relaxing. When our ride arrived we headed outside. I talked to a couple of my teachers for a moment, describing my before and after Prom self, then went into the nice cold air outside the building. It was lovely after being cramped in a sweat filled, heated room. When I got home I stayed up for a little longer, then conked out on my bed until around 11:30 this morning.

So that's just about everything I remember from Prom. If I do happen to remember anything else I'll mention it in a new post. Sorry again for it being so long.. I hope you enjoyed my rant though!

Thanks for reading if you did. Toodles!